Jesus had a screwed up family too
December 15, 2009
I was first introduced to the intentional nature of Matthew’s account of Jesus’ lineage while attending a freshman intro course of New Testament study at Oklahoma Baptist University (or at least that’s when I remember it sinking in) taught by Mac Roark—since retired. If I remember correctly, Matthew specifically mentions individuals in Jesus’ family tree that most people would like to accidentally leave out of their own histories. Women of “questionable character”[1] including the likes of prostitutes and adulterers are specifically mentioned. Also mentioned are “evil” people and a note of another Bible says that God “works through ordinary people” to “accomplish his will.”[2]
What does Jesus’ family tree have to do with thoughts on psychology, psychotherapy and families? Well, in family therapy we commonly talk about intergenerational trauma or the affects of previous family patterns on current family dynamics. If it can be said that Jesus’ own family history included generational embarrassments and individuals of “questionable character,” can it also be said that great healing and redemption can come from our own family histories? One thing that impacts me about Matthew’s account of Jesus’ lineage is that he listed questionable individuals and even “evil” individuals in the and provided a sense of hope that regardless the struggles that might have been a part of your family, both in distant past and in current circumstances, that God can work out some impressive results. I also happen to think that Matthew provided a nice example for psychotherapy in that he was willing to engage in conversation about previous sore spots in the family. I think talking about issues is one step in the healing process.
My above thoughts were in response to this podcast from Imago Dei Community in Portland regarding the Advent season.
[1] According to the ESV Study Bible notes
[2] NIV Life Application Study Bible notes
Everything I always wanted to know about Christmas as a Jewish child but was afraid to ask my Rabbi
December 14, 2009
Dr. Berman’s Top 10 List
10. Why does Santa Claus think he’s God? (He knows when you are sleeping and awake, bad and good!)
9. Why are there so many Christmas carols that don’t mention Christ?
8. Why do Jewish store owners sing “What a friend we have in Jesus”?
7. Why do Gentiles try so hard all year long to keep house plants alive, then go buy a dead tree and cover it with things that don’t grow on trees?
6. Why do Gentiles celebrate with alcohol at parties in preparation for such a holy day?
5. Why pay retail when everything goes on sale next week?
4. Why do some Gentiles make such a big deal about Christmas and never even go to church?
3. Do I have to believe in Santa Claus in order to become a Christian?
2. Does it cost more to celebrate Christmas than Chanuka?
1. If Christmas is supposed to be a time of joy and celebration, why do so many people get depressed?
Dr. Berman is a born-again Christian who was raised Jewish
William B. Berman, Ph.D.
Holiday Family Conflicts and Disappointments
December 14, 2009
Christmas and the surrounding holidays provide an opportunity for celebrations and get-togethers with family members. For some, the Christmas season is truly a celebration. For others, the holidays are a time of disappointment, hurt, and conflict related to family problems and conflicts that are managed at a distance the rest of the year. Some people deliberately avoid family members with whom they have issues during the year until Christmas time when traditions include getting together with family. Just because we may be Christians does not make us exempt from family problems.
For those who have abusive family members, or family members who abuse drugs and alcohol, or have psychiatric problems, the thought of getting together can be painful. Many feel obligated to get together rather than make a scene or make a statement by their conspicuous absence.
Common issues that emerge at this time of year may include:
- Family members who drink too much, or may be under the influence of drugs which modify moods, and sometimes make those using them combative, or socially inappropriate in other ways
- Some family members have psychiatric problems which interfere with their ability to behave properly in relationships and in social settings
- Family members who have long standing conflicts and where deep wounds still exist from the past
- Parts of the family which have been fractured by marital problems or divorce
- Some parts of the family who live very different and incompatible lifestyles, or who may hold to extremely different beliefs and values that are offensive
Any of these situations can lead to tension, anxiety, and a sense of dread in getting together for the holidays. These conflicts also lead to feelings of depression, sadness, guilt, resentments, anger, and a tendency to relive the old hurts.
To handle the anticipated unpleasant get-togethers with some of these troublesome people, consider several strategies:
- It is often best to meet at someone else’s house so you can leave when you want to. It is more difficult to get someone to leave your house when you no longer feel comfortable.
- Choose not to be alone with the ones you have the most trouble with. Stay with those in the group you feel most safe around. Possibly discuss with the ones who have the most understanding of the problem your need to have a “buddy,” or someone to run interference for you.
- Keep visits with the troublesome people short. If conflict emerges, excuse yourself and go lock yourself in the bathroom for a few minutes. If conflict subsides, stay a little longer. If the level of conflict or emotional distress rises to an uncomfortable level, express that you don’t feel well (which will likely be true) and excuse yourself and leave the gathering.
- Drive yourself to the event or get-together, or have someone drive you that will agree to leave the event when you are ready to leave.
In these ways, you can participate in a limited way without having to either make yourself too uncomfortable or eliminate yourself completely from the family gathering. Also, family therapy for extended or family-of-origin issues can empower you and help you know your options for keeping your peace during the holidays.
- Dale R. Doty, M.S.W., Ph.D., LCSW, LMFT
Christmas Hope
December 14, 2009
Christmas… a time of hope…a time of peace…a time of joy…Hum….
Is it just me? No. I know other mothers out there are feeling the same stress and pressure of Christmas. Instead of hope, peace and joy, I find myself at times feeling tired, irritated and full of frustration. I want my kids to remember the reason we celebrate Christmas in the first place. CHRIST. It seems as though all of my effort to read more scripture, teach them about Advent, and remind them to be givers, fall on deaf ears.
Sometime around the middle of November my name changed. My sweet 9 year old boy no longer called me Mama. My name changed to “Mama CanIhave”. I asked the kids to come up with a list of gifts they would like to have. That sweet little boy turned into a monster. It was like nothing I have never seen before. I received a Christmas list stapled to the toys-r-us catalog. Not only did he list fourteen video games, 5 board games, a new DS-I, an iPod touch, and a myriad of gift card requests, that sweet child had circled nearly EVERY boy item in that 50+ page catalog! (and a few girly items, too!) He also reminded that even though he knew there was no tooth fairy or Easter Bunny, he did still indeed believe in Santa Claus.
I told him that was quite a list and there was no way he would get everything on his list. His reply was, “That’s ok, mom. I’ll just give it to Grams”. Now, if you know anything about me, you know that I am never at a loss for words, but friends, I had nothing. At least nothing good. I shook my head and decided that I needed to deal with this later for fear I would say something that would crush the spirit of that nine year old boy.
I knew he needed a good “come to Jesus talk” as my mother would say. But, is it really his fault?? I created this little monster. I wanted so badly to bless my children that they now feel entitled to ask for everything. Where does this need to give to my children come from? I am a mother! I am a giver! I want to give to my children. How much more does our Heavenly Father want to give to us if only we believe?
This past Sunday in church, the pastor stated, “Giving is to teach us to be givers, not receivers”.
There is some redemption in this story. I did have a talk with my son about realistic expectations and let him know that I would need a revised list of the top 6-8 things that he really, really wanted. My name has not changed back to “mama” yet, but shortly after Christmas I know it will. My daughter, Katie, told me yesterday, that instead of a bunch of presents she thought it would be a good idea to donate to St. Jude’s in the name of our sweet friend, Charlie, who is battling cancer. Zach agreed.
May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.
—Romans 15:13
Jamie Brandon, M.S., LMFT
Avoiding Holiday Blues
December 14, 2009
Strategies to Minimize Holiday Blues
1. Create new traditions
2. Focus on what God expects of you
3. Boycott the mall!
4. Set aside time to grieve
5. Be proactive in preventing lonliness
6. “Cut the apron strings” and place family priorities above families-of-origin.
Originally posted on Bowden McElroy’s Counseling Notes Blog, Nov. 21, 2007.
Bowden McElroy. M.Ed., LPC
mcelroycounseling.com
Tips for Reducing Holiday Stress
December 14, 2009
With our overcommitted schedules, it is often difficult to avoid stressing
out over the holidays. Here are a few ideas to help keep you sane during
this stressful time.
- Take care of yourself. Remember to eat well, sleep well, and exercise. You will have much more energy to make things special for your family. Have healthy snacks on hand to curb the holiday munching on cookies and candies.
- Set limits and a budget. Make a list of all of the people you have to buy for and how much you plan to spend on each person. Keep a running list of the gifts you have purchased. This will keep you from overspending.
- Be realistic. Sit down with a calendar and set realistic goals. How much time do you have each week to devote to shopping and cooking? Block out time on your schedule to prioritize the most important things.
- Do not expect perfection. Unrealistic expectations are a major cause of stress.
- Delegate. Ask for help with shopping and food preparation. Ask everyone to bring along a dish to family get-togethers. This spreads the expense and the time.
- Prioritize. Remember that you don’t have to attend every open house and holiday party. Practice saying, “No thank you. We already have plans for that date, but, thank you for the invitation.”
- Don’t forget to breathe. Take three deep cleansing breaths each morning and each evening. This will help keep the oxygen flowing and you will recall this skill during times of high stress.
Grief in Bleak Midwinter
December 14, 2009
If you have lost a loved one in the last year, then you will likely find this holiday season to be painful. Instead of celebrating, you may find yourself feeling very sad, angry and wanting to isolate. People often find the first holiday after a significant loss to be the most difficult. You may be asking yourself “How am I going to get through this Christmas?” Here are a few suggestions for working your way through:
1) Set realistic expectations for yourself. The most realistic expectation may be that you just get through this season. Hosting parties and spending time and energy on special gifts may be too much to accomplish this year. Make sure you talk with your family about any changes you need to make.
2) Make sure you take care of yourself. Grief takes a lot of energy. You may not be able to do all (or any) the holiday activities. One of the best self care acts: get enough rest.
3) Keep on grieving. Be careful about allowing yourself to be distracted from grieving by the activities of this season.
4) Keep talking. This holiday season is not the time to neglect your thoughts and feelings. In fact, now more than ever you may struggle with deep sorrow, crushing anger and devastating loneliness. These are experiences to talk about to trusted friends and family. If you have a therapist, make sure you make an appointment before Christmas, even if you do not think you need it.
5) Do something to honor your loved one. Light a candle during Christmas Eve dinner or attend a Longest Night Service ( www.shbc-tulsa.org find information on the events page in the November newsletter). Find something meaningful to mark your loved one’s place in the family.
Grief can be a difficult and complicated process and a holiday season will often add to the struggle. If you feel you need extra help and support during this time, please call The Christian Family Institute at 745-0095. Any of our therapists can help you through your grief.
