Dr. Tim Doty, Psy.D. of Christian Family Institute in Tulsa, Oklahoma shares some quick tips about how to stay healthy during the holiday season. He discusses continuing to place an importance on healthy exercise, eating and sleep as well as taking joy in the season. www.CFItulsa.com
Feel free to share this link with your friends and family. Here is the YouTube link. Or if you prefer, Vimeo link.
We all know parenting kids during school breaks can be challenging. It can be even more difficult if you have a child who deals with distractibility and hyperactivity. Here are a few ideas to help keep you sane over the holiday season.
Continue to set appropriate limits with the kids. Sometimes it is easy to let things slide during holidays and breaks, but kids must have consistency to feel safe in their environment. Inconsistency often breeds chaos. Kids will behave much better when they understand the expectations and the rules. Our expectations for our kids should not change. We can’t have one set of expectations that we enforce through the school routine months and then throw them out the window when holidays arrive. Expectations like obedience (doing what you are asked to do, when you are asked to do it, without complaining), respect for self and others (don’t hurt yourself, others or property), and responsibility (take care of your things and always tell me where you are going) must continue. We can change the bedtime rule to an hour later or give extra treats, but let the kids know these rule changes, additions and rewards are privileges earned for following the basic expectations. When your kids misbehave or push the limits, be kind, but do enforce the limit. You are the boss. Set kind, firm limits with your kids and you will be surprised at their compliance. Above all, they want to know you love them. Setting limits is one way you show your child you care about them too much to let them misbehave.
If you have a distractible child, give short commands and reminders. Example, “Go upstairs, get dressed, put on your shoes, and come downstairs.” Then repeat, “Up, dressed, shoes, down,” or, “teeth, hair, shoes, down”. If you repeat the basics of the command, and they repeat it back to you, they are much more likely to remember. Give three to four commands at most. You will also get a better response if they maintain eye contact with you when they repeat the command.
Post reminders around the house. Type daily reminders and post them around the house. For example, on the bathroom mirror, “STOP: Things to do before you leave the bathroom”. List brush teeth (with toothpaste and water), brush hair (with hairbrush), put your stuff away. Mount a small wipe off board next to the door you use to leave the house, write reminders on the board. Example, “STOP: Backpack, homework, lunch”. In the winter that list might be, “STOP: Jacket, gloves, shoes, hat.” Kids need reminders and sometimes so do we.
Have fun with your kids this Thanksgiving and Christmas season. Spend time with them. Build forts in the living room. Read to them. Listen to books on tape together. Play games inside or out. Take lots and lots of pictures. Show them they are a priority to you and you love them. Have a great holiday season!
Licensed mental health professionals are required to receive between twelve and twenty hours of continuing education each year. Three of the required hours must be in professional ethics and law. Our profession is developing at a rapid pace. New research and developments are occurring in defining the best practices in the field. New rules are being formed all the time to help professionals keep up with the pace of that development.
One such area is the ethics and best practices in dealing with families caught in the web of divorce. When divorces turn ugly, sometimes couples invite numerous professionals into the fight. One of the strategies employed by divorcing couples is to make allegations about the fitness of their spouse as a parent, and seek sole custody, even threatening their partner with not being able to see their children. When accusations include charges of physical or sexual abuse during the divorce process, many professionals become involved, including attorneys and often numerous mental health professionals.
The most damaging divorces may involve “dueling mental health professionals,” with each party hiring a professional to be on their “side,” to say good things about their client and bad things about the other spouse they may have never met. Though clearer rules have been written in hopes of preventing mental health professionals from getting caught up in such fights, it still occurs. When divorce fights escalate to this unfortunate point, often the professionals involved are participating in doing harm to their clients. We are aware of tragic cases in which the parties have run up hundreds of thousands of dollars in legal expenses, and involved many of the custody evaluators, mediators, parenting coordinators, and mental health professionals in town.
Because of this fairly common occurrence, licensing boards have expanded the codes of ethics to define proper conduct for “forensic practice.” Also the Association of Family and Conciliation Courts recently convened a Task Force to study and develop guidelines to govern the best practices of professionals who seek to serve families during divorce. They have previously published the Standards of Practice for custody evaluators, parenting coordinators. Their most recent document, which is still undergoing review, is titled, “Guidelines for Court-Involved Therapists.” For some who have extensive experience in the court process with clients divorcing, some of the content in these guidelines seem like “common sense.” Having sat on the licensing board and having reviewed complaints against numerous therapists for violating those principles, it has led me to believe that sense and training in this area is not common.
I will be discussing these matters in an upcoming CEU workshop, sponsored by the Oklahoma Association for Marriage and Family Therapy, for professionals titled “The ethical and legal complications of treating families of divorce.” I hope we can raise the awareness of therapists to the dangers lurking in providing services in court related cases, and how to practice within the “best practice guidelines.” The workshop will be held on December 10th at 9:00 a.m. For more information, check out: http://www.okamft.org/ohana/events/listEvents.cfm
Fall is in the air, the season is about to change. Like the seasons of life, the empty nest transition takes place over a period of time. It can be a difficult time marked by feelings of emptiness, loss, and a longing for what was, OR the empty nest season can be a time for awareness, reflection and re-evaluation about your marriage, your children and yourself.
Marriage
With only two of you living in the home, more time is available to spend with your spouse (this thought should not invoke fear!). Schedules are less hectic allowing you to talk with each other versus talking at each other in passing. Some couples discover they have little in common at this stage. If so, give thought to finding something you both enjoy….remember when just being together was more important than what you were actually doing? Consider using this time to explore new recreational activities and entertainment venues together. Sharing ideas with each other can lead to great conversations.
Adult Children
It’s very gratifying to form relationships with your adult children…to watch them making and enjoying their new life apart from you. A word of caution may be in order here. With adult children, your role changes from one of parenting to consulting. If you have allowed your child to make decisions and take consequences for those decisions early on, this transition is easier. As a parent, you offer opinions, thoughts and input because “you know best”. As a consultant, however, your opinions will be more influential if you wait until they are invited. You are still the parent, but your approach, parent or consultant, could determine how glad your children are to see you coming.
Redefining Your Self
What happened to all those labels that used to define me?” you ask. You were someone’s Mom, someone’s Wife, the Cook, the Chauffeur, the Nurse, the Event Coordinator, etc. The empty nest season offers you an opportunity to revisit past dreams, desires and ambitions. The choices are vast; you could learn a hobby, take a class, or engage in recreational activities. You could enlarge your social circle, focus on a career, or volunteer for your church or a non-profit organization. Begin by listing your dreams and desires, then gathering information to help you choose the direction you want to go. Some resources that could be helpful include your church, the YWCA, walking or running clubs, book clubs, or community colleges.
Grandchildren
This is also the season for grandchildren! They bring a special joy to life that balances the void left by their parents. Opportunity presents itself once again to teach, guide and influence, only this time the perspective is wiser, gentler and tempered with patience. If you don’t have grandchildren, let your seasoned life benefit others through mentoring programs at church or within the community. Making a difference gives you self worth.
Let the empty nest season be a new beginning for your marriage, your children and yourself…..Enjoy!
Salley Sutmiller, M.S. and Lois Trost, M.S.W.
Mr. Bowden McElroy and Dr. Tim Doty discuss what “we wish every youth minister knew about crisis management in twenty minutes or less.” We cover issues of confidentiality and legal/moral/ethical obligations to be wary of secret-keeping. We also discuss linking to referral sources and we encourage youth ministers and helpers in general to prioritize self-care. We hope you enjoy this podcast and we look forward to posting additional teaching-related material.
What Every Youth Minister Needs to Know About Handling Mental Health Crises from Dr. Timothy Doty on Vimeo.
Announcement! CFI has entered the video age. We have recently posted a couple of videos.
Dr. Dale Doty discusses the benefits of PREPARE/ENRICH training for pastors, clergy, ministers, counselors, and marriage coaches who would like certification in a very useful tool.
Check back for more videos coming soon!
Passion and romance are not constants in a love relationship. If it were not for the constraints inherent to most marriages (e.g., financial, spiritual, impact upon the children, etc.) many marriages would not endure long enough to restore the reasons why the marital commitment was made in the first place. That is why the commitment factor is so predictive of marital survival.
The loss of passion and romance is such a common phenomenon that song writers have capitalized upon it as a theme that is highly marketable. Consider the list of contemporary songs below as a sample. See if you can think of others. Just remember that normal doesn’t necessarily mean healthy. Marital therapy is designed to assist couples in recovering those lost feelings and preventing them from slipping away again.
“You’ve Lost That Loving Feeling”
-The Righteous Brothers
“You Don’t Send Me Flowers Anymore”
-Neil Diamond & Barbara Streisand
“The Thrill Is Gone”
-B.B. King
“Where Has Our Love Gone?”
-The Supremes
“Total Eclipse Of The Heart”
-Bonnie Tyler
“Home Ain’t Where His Heart Is Anymore”
-Shania Twain
“I Don’t Care Anymore”
-Phil Collins/Genesis
“Now That The Magic Has Gone”
-Joe Cocker
“How Do You Like Me Now?”
-Tobi Keith
“Where Is The Love”
-Black Eyed Pea
The wedding is over, the bride & groom begin adjusting to their life together, and the parents are doing a fair share of adjusting as well. Parents go through numerous transitional periods with their children — adjusting to their birth, beginning school, driving, dating, off to college and eventually marriage. For me, there was a dim finality when our daughter married and her bedroom was packed up and moved into “their home”. The marriage of a child is one of the last separation stages parents and children experience, and the right attitude toward it can be key to maintaining a good relationship. The way I handled changes taking place in my daughter’s life would influence the future closeness or distance I would have with the new couple. Yes, I felt a sense of loss among all the happiness; however, giving myself permission to feel that loss, as well as grieve it, was healthy. The right attitude toward this separation would cushion the loss and enable my adult child to feel supported in her new spousal role. Here are a few attitude changes that I found helpful to make:
My intention is not to offend but to bring awareness to the role of in-law. In 1961, Ernie K-Doe’s song, “Mother-in-law”, was a big hit (I thought it pretty funny back then). It painted a picture of a woman giving unsolicited advice, asking how much the husband made, and stating “if she’d leave us alone, we’d have a happy home”……OUCH! Forty years later and in the mother-in-law role, I still appreciate this song but for its instructional message instead of its humor……I can leave the newlyweds alone and bike ride with my husband at the same time!
I’d like to say that honeymoon never ends, but that might create unrealistic expectations. Since unrealistic expectations are responsible for a lot of newlywed angst, I’m going to focus on some ways to build a solid marriage based on reality, not expectations.
What follows is the first installment of a three-part series emphasizing three broad areas: Faith, Fellowship, and Fun. Each contributes much to everyday marriage and perpetuates the bond you began to build during that wonderful honeymoon.
As a Christian, I believe that everything rests on faith, so let’s start with that. My faith is in God, the creator of all things and in Jesus, the “author and perfecter of faith” (Hebrews 11:3 and 12:2). This faith informs the way I live my life as an individual and as a partner in marriage.
How does this work? The best thing I do for my marital satisfaction is to nurture my faith by being in close relationship with God, the creator of marriage. The more closely I follow Him, through individual Bible study and prayer time, the more I feel loved by Him and am able to extend that love and grace to others—especially my spouse.
I learn that God is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness, maintaining love to thousands, and forgiving wickedness rebellion and sin (Exodus 34:6-7); so, I extend compassion and grace, I make effort to be slow to anger, to abound in love, and forgive the sins against me (Matthew 6:12, 14-15).
I learn that Jesus is at God’s right hand making intercessions for me (Romans 8:34); therefore, when I think my spouse is off base, I am before God interceding for him.
I learn that I’m to be thankful in all things (1 Thessalonians 5:18); so, I thank God for my spouse even when I’m not happy with him. It keeps the balance.
I learn that love, as described in the Bible (1 Corinthians 13:4-8), is about what I do, not how I feel; therefore, I concentrate on showing love, rather than feeling love.
As you cultivate your faith as an individual, there are also things to do, as a couple, which will cultivate closeness between you. These are just suggestions, feel free to add to the list. As you grow individually, share that with each other. Find a church body you both feel comfortable with–worship together and serve. Share with each other the joys and difficulties of service. Go on a mission trip together. Join a small group with like values where you will be loved and supported as a couple. Spend some time studying and praying together.
I want to end by saying that our faith is to strengthen and encourage us, not to be used as a weapon of warfare against each other. So, be diligent to cultivate your faith as an individual and as a couple. The benefits are great.
I love vacations. I have been accused, and I can’t disagree, of having a Vacation Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. I particularly enjoy family vacations to anything Disney, and trips with my wife to go diving. Why is this? I think a good part of the reason has to do with the opportunity to have fun with my wife and/or my boys. The fun with them, is ten times greater than without them.
There are a couple of commercials for Orlando that have caused me to think about this topic. In one of these commercials, a father and son are experiencing an attraction. In the middle of the attraction the father transforms into a child the same age as his son. This is initially a bit confusing as to what happened. Then the two boys cast a reflection on some surface and you see that one boys reflection is actually the fathers reflection. The other commercial is of the same concept except this time it’s a mother and daughter.
When I saw this commercial the first time, I told my wife how much I liked it. To which, she replied, “Of course you do, it’s about you.” To which I have to fully agree. There is something special about sharing fun with my family. It creates a bond and memories that I will cherish forever.
I think I come by it honestly. One of my favorite memories from my childhood, is riding the log ride at Six Flags over and over with my dad when he realized that there was virtually no line. We must have done that at least six or seven times. Even as I type this, I can’t help but feel that joy again.
Whether it is a multi-week, trip of a lifetime, or a simple day trip, vacations create special opportunities to connect with family members. As we enter the summer season and consider our vacations, put a bit of planning time into creating those truly special connections and memories.
Some ways to enhance your family vacations can include…
Subscribe