A Compassionate Reponse to the Haitian Earthquake
January 19, 2010
The recent news of the January 12 earthquake in Haiti leaves many of us feeling great sadness and compassion for the people affected by the tragedy. Many of us, with good intentions, want to respond and help in any way we can. In fact, some whose resources allow may feel a desire to board a plane and add to the ongoing relief efforts in person. However, our initial desire to act may not be the most sustainable and helpful responses.
Because of the need to respond to primary needs and rescue efforts urgently, philanthropy experts recommend giving monetarily to relief-aid groups who have an established presence in Haiti. It is more effective during the early stages of disaster relief and during ongoing rebuilding efforts to work with organizations that have leadership in place to respond to a needs-based assessment on the ground. New organizations to the area or individuals who join in aid efforts without connection to an organization may add to the chaos.
It is okay to wait on your giving. Reconstruction efforts will take time and monetary giving will be needed on an ongoing basis.
It can be anxiety-provoking to sit “idly by” when so much is needed in response to the Haitian earthquake. However, this is an instance in which relying on experts in the area (i.e. the Haitian people and established relief-aid workers) is perhaps a more compassionate response than rushing in with our “expertise.” I would encourage you to donate monetarily and prayerfully to organizations that you already trust to do compassionate work for the needs of our world.
The following is a list (not exhaustive) of organization who have a presence in Haiti:
Cell Phones and Teenagers
January 18, 2010
Increasingly cell phones are mentioned as part of the complaints that bring families to therapy. Cell phones are abused by adults as well as children. The focus of this article will concentrate on the complaints involving children and teens.
The high profile complaints involve parents who have discovered that their children have misused cell phones to transmit sexually oriented material including pictures. According to several surveys, as many as one in five teens indicate they have sent sexually explicit messages. Girls are almost twice as likely as boys to send “sexting” messages.
More often the complaints parents bring to therapy are that cell phone use, both voice and text messaging, consume the priorities of their teens. The grades of these teens are often dropping, and parents describe having difficulty getting the attention of their children to important tasks and responsibilities. As cell phone use increases, teens have less interest in extracurricular and family activities.
These problems too are twice as likely to be reported by the parents of girls. According to cell phone records, 10,000 text messages or more per month are not uncommon. Recent news articles have reported on parents who received $10,000. phone bills for their children’s cellular activities.
We have seen many examples of teenage girls who are in a family therapy session with their parents as we discuss this problem who insist they “must” answer their cell phone when it rings during the session. They explain the call from a friend may be “an emergency.” They explain that the kinds of emergencies they are referring to are friends who break up, had an argument with friends, caught a boyfriend cheating (by talking to another girl), got grounded by parents, someone is rumored to be having sex with someone else, or friends who are cutting themselves, etc. This drama can continue throughout the night and into the early morning hours. Girls in their social network expect immediate response to each others’ latest news. Studies report that rates of depression and other problems are higher with those whose cellular and internet use is high.
These problems often develop when parents provide cell phones to teens without clear rules and guidelines. In this situation, teens decide with their peers what is appropriate. Once these patterns are set, there may be considerable resistance to change. We have seen cases in which a teen whose cell phone was taken away by parents then attempted suicide. They later explained that they felt their whole world collapsed when they could no longer connect immediately with friends.
Cell phones use and computer networking can become addictive. An addiction occurs when any behavior becomes obsessive. The addictive behavior interferes with other responsibilities such as school, work, family responsibilities, and previous interests. As the behavior begins to cause problems, hurt and disappoint people, get negative feedback from employers or teachers, there is resistance to change and defense of the increasingly problematic behavior. The addictive behavior becomes increasingly out of control.
Cell phone abuse without limits or supervision can be highly self-destructive. When cell phones are used to transmit sexual pictures of underage girls including themselves, this is a felony criminal offense.
The best solution is anticipation and prevention. Teens need guidance and supervision. Before the problems begin or when early warning signs emerge, rules need to be established for appropriate cell phone use. Teens must understand that cell phone use is a privilege and is provided conditionally. These rules should cover appropriate hours of cell phone use, as well as limits to the appropriate number of cell phone minutes and any text message limits. The best way to eliminate the temptation of answering incoming calls is to have a specific time in which the phone is turned off. Cell phone providers will provide documentation of use. Some cellular providers provide “parental control” features including the limitation of incoming a or outgoing calls during certain hours, except emergency calls.
Teens can also be taught cell phone etiquette regarding when it is inappropriate to answer calls, such as during family meals or during meetings, or in restaurants, etc. It must be understood that not all calls should be answered. Nearly all phones have voicemail. Messages can be checked later when not disruptive to activities. An important distinction needs to be made regarding what constitutes an “emergency.” When a true emergency exists with friends, they should call 911, not friends.
Schools differ regarding their rules, but teens often violate such rules and get away with such violations if they keep their phone hidden. Parents should support school rules regarding possessing or using cell phones during school hours.
Teens also must be taught about the seriousness of transmitting sexually oriented content, or accessing sexually oriented or pornographic sites. Many cell phones have internet access. A whole world of trouble and danger exists in these sites.
We want to trust our children and believe the best about them. The research information we have suggests that many teens are not honest with their parents about their cell phone and computer use. Often teens will deny viewing or sending sexually oriented content. In tragic cases, parents have not learned the truth until after the discovery is too late. Teens need supervision in the use of such a powerful tool which can be used so destructively. Parents have the right and responsibility to check on their children’s activities.
A Time For Every Season
January 18, 2010
Happy New Year! As we begin a new year and a new decade, I’m reminded of the preacher’s words in Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 (New International Version):
There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven:
a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to
gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain,
a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.
From cradle to grave, our lives are full of seasons. Some are good and some are not so good. Some seem short and some seem as if they will never end. Some produce rapid change and sometimes we think that nothing ever changes. Sometimes we feel like we just get settled in, and then unexpectedly, it’s time to move on. For better or worse, seasons always come to pass, not to stay.
Marriage, too, holds many times and seasons. In addition to the routine ups and downs that are unique to marriage, you have the ups and downs of two individuals and any children they have.
Good seasons are welcome and we seem to cruise through without much thought. It’s during times of stress and crisis that we find out what our marriages and we are made of.
It’s important to realize, during these difficult times, that they will pass—things do change. Having difficulty in our marriage and with our spouse doesn’t mean we have a bad marriage. It means we have problems we need to resolve. It’s really easy, but not helpful, in our attempts to escape our stress to blame our partner and focus on the negatives.
The key is to establish good habits that can sustain us in good times and bad. In the spirit of the New Year, here are some suggestions for maintaining balance that is important for all seasons.
- Don’t shut down, but keep the lines of communication open. Sharing stresses divides the load.
- Don’t overreact to bad times, but act in a manner that encourages good times.
- Don’t blame others or the marriage, but realize that you can get through this time and grow together rather than apart.
- Don’t focus on the cause of the problem, concentrate on finding solutions. Work as a team. Your spouse’s problem is your problem.
- Don’t withdraw from your spouse, but continue to spend time together doing things you enjoy.
- Don’t forget that your spouse is your friend and treat him/her accordingly.
Remember seasons change, and often, the times of greatest satisfaction are on the other side of the storm.
