You can’t begin too soon. Sex education is not a single tell-all discussion. When a child’s curiosity about body parts begins, open the door to sex education by teaching the proper names of his/her anatomy. This is also an appropriate time to explain which parts of the body are private and that no one is allowed to touch these private parts.
Having open and honest discussions with your child about a variety of topics will normalize the topic of sex when it is addressed.
This is the age-old question of nature vs. nurture. Are mood disorders (depression/anxiety) a result of nature (genetics/brain chemistry) or nurture (upbringing/environment)?
It may be beneficial to think in terms of risk factors: the more risk factors that are present, the more likely depression or anxiety is to develop. Having family members with a mood disorder may elevate the risk, but it doesn’t doom someone to the disorder.
At Christian Family Institute we view anxiety and depression as a combination of biological, psychological, social and spiritual factors. All of these components are considered when treating mood disorders.
An issue often encountered in treating relationships is the problem of mistrust. Most often the problem arises in the context of some boundary violation that has occurred in a relationship. Behaviors that are most damaging are easily recognized such as infidelity, inappropriate use of the internet such as viewing pornography or emailing or texting some sexual or romantic content without a partners knowledge, or lies of almost any sort. Some preliminary research has indicated that a partner lying about finances was nearly as damaging to trust as sexual impropriety.
When partners have established shared expectations, any behavior that deviates from the expected damages trust. Sometimes expectations were not clear and mistrust results. Ineffective communication and conflict resolution also results in broken and damaged trust when partners are not able to negotiate mutually agreed expectations. Without trust, it is difficult to achieve and sustain any significant level of intimacy in a relationship.
Trust produces comfort and minimizes anxiety. Not knowing what to expect from a partner in any relationship keeps the level of anxiety so high that it is difficult to sustain a relationship.
To treat relationships in which trust is low, a therapist must first identify the source of damage to trust. Clients can often identify the behavior their partner has engaged in that has caused the injury to trust.
Common patterns that produce broken trust include:
Deliberate acts by a partner who knows full well that their behavior will be unacceptable to their partner. The behavior that is unacceptable to a partner may be completely acceptable in other relationships, but is known to be unacceptable to the current partner. The behavior, on the other hand, may involve violating accepted cultural norms and may be considered “immoral,” or “sinful.” In either case, a partner rationalizes to themselves that what they are doing is justified, or that they can keep their acts secret from their partner. An even more serious form of betrayal is the behavior that is known to be harmful to a partner, but where there is a disregard for how the partner will feel when the behavior is likely to be known. Such acts are not accompanied by any sorrow or remorse, or plan to change (repentance). Intentional behavior known to cause hurt has an “evil quality.”
Misunderstanding occurs when partners miscommunicate. True misunderstandings occur in the context of loving and caring relationships, but where partners have not employed good communications skills. Misunderstandings occur in nearly all long-term relationships. If misunderstanding does not occur often, and partners have realistic expectations, serious harm is not done to trust. When partners have rigid or unrealistic expectations, or have low capacity for forgiveness, then much greater harm can be done to the trust in the relationship to both partners.
Accidental relationship injuries occur when there is a momentary lapse in judgment. A partner may not recognize the significance of their choices to their partner. Only when a person receives feedback from their partner does it become clear that their decision was unacceptable. In getting to know another person, not every scenario can be predicted and discussed in advance in order to arrive at shared expectations. Unfortunately, we sometimes do not realize where the land mines are buried until you step on one.
Unrealistic expectations by one partner may cause damage to trust to both parties. A failure to accept legitimate differences, and an expectation that partners should always agree, or should always think alike creates significant distress, and can lead to hostile escalations during disagreements.
Ineffective communication and conflict resolution fails to lower distress, thus resulting in unresolved differences. High levels of such distress over time, even over insignificant issues, erodes trust.
The inability to forgive sustains high levels of relationship anxiety. The difficulty in forgiving may be a result of repeated relationship injury by the current partner, or trauma from past relationships. The difficulty in forgiving may also result from personality variables such as a narcissistic and grandiose sense of self value and perfectionism. In any case, trust cannot exist in long term relationships without the ability to forgive past hurts.
In Part Two, we will take a look at: A Systemic View of Rebuilding Trust which includes
Dr. Tim Doty, Psy.D. of Christian Family Institute in Tulsa, Oklahoma shares some quick tips about how to stay healthy during the holiday season. He discusses continuing to place an importance on healthy exercise, eating and sleep as well as taking joy in the season. www.CFItulsa.com
Feel free to share this link with your friends and family. Here is the YouTube link. Or if you prefer, Vimeo link.
We all know parenting kids during school breaks can be challenging. It can be even more difficult if you have a child who deals with distractibility and hyperactivity. Here are a few ideas to help keep you sane over the holiday season.
Continue to set appropriate limits with the kids. Sometimes it is easy to let things slide during holidays and breaks, but kids must have consistency to feel safe in their environment. Inconsistency often breeds chaos. Kids will behave much better when they understand the expectations and the rules. Our expectations for our kids should not change. We can’t have one set of expectations that we enforce through the school routine months and then throw them out the window when holidays arrive. Expectations like obedience (doing what you are asked to do, when you are asked to do it, without complaining), respect for self and others (don’t hurt yourself, others or property), and responsibility (take care of your things and always tell me where you are going) must continue. We can change the bedtime rule to an hour later or give extra treats, but let the kids know these rule changes, additions and rewards are privileges earned for following the basic expectations. When your kids misbehave or push the limits, be kind, but do enforce the limit. You are the boss. Set kind, firm limits with your kids and you will be surprised at their compliance. Above all, they want to know you love them. Setting limits is one way you show your child you care about them too much to let them misbehave.
If you have a distractible child, give short commands and reminders. Example, “Go upstairs, get dressed, put on your shoes, and come downstairs.” Then repeat, “Up, dressed, shoes, down,” or, “teeth, hair, shoes, down”. If you repeat the basics of the command, and they repeat it back to you, they are much more likely to remember. Give three to four commands at most. You will also get a better response if they maintain eye contact with you when they repeat the command.
Post reminders around the house. Type daily reminders and post them around the house. For example, on the bathroom mirror, “STOP: Things to do before you leave the bathroom”. List brush teeth (with toothpaste and water), brush hair (with hairbrush), put your stuff away. Mount a small wipe off board next to the door you use to leave the house, write reminders on the board. Example, “STOP: Backpack, homework, lunch”. In the winter that list might be, “STOP: Jacket, gloves, shoes, hat.” Kids need reminders and sometimes so do we.
Have fun with your kids this Thanksgiving and Christmas season. Spend time with them. Build forts in the living room. Read to them. Listen to books on tape together. Play games inside or out. Take lots and lots of pictures. Show them they are a priority to you and you love them. Have a great holiday season!
Licensed mental health professionals are required to receive between twelve and twenty hours of continuing education each year. Three of the required hours must be in professional ethics and law. Our profession is developing at a rapid pace. New research and developments are occurring in defining the best practices in the field. New rules are being formed all the time to help professionals keep up with the pace of that development.
One such area is the ethics and best practices in dealing with families caught in the web of divorce. When divorces turn ugly, sometimes couples invite numerous professionals into the fight. One of the strategies employed by divorcing couples is to make allegations about the fitness of their spouse as a parent, and seek sole custody, even threatening their partner with not being able to see their children. When accusations include charges of physical or sexual abuse during the divorce process, many professionals become involved, including attorneys and often numerous mental health professionals.
The most damaging divorces may involve “dueling mental health professionals,” with each party hiring a professional to be on their “side,” to say good things about their client and bad things about the other spouse they may have never met. Though clearer rules have been written in hopes of preventing mental health professionals from getting caught up in such fights, it still occurs. When divorce fights escalate to this unfortunate point, often the professionals involved are participating in doing harm to their clients. We are aware of tragic cases in which the parties have run up hundreds of thousands of dollars in legal expenses, and involved many of the custody evaluators, mediators, parenting coordinators, and mental health professionals in town.
Because of this fairly common occurrence, licensing boards have expanded the codes of ethics to define proper conduct for “forensic practice.” Also the Association of Family and Conciliation Courts recently convened a Task Force to study and develop guidelines to govern the best practices of professionals who seek to serve families during divorce. They have previously published the Standards of Practice for custody evaluators, parenting coordinators. Their most recent document, which is still undergoing review, is titled, “Guidelines for Court-Involved Therapists.” For some who have extensive experience in the court process with clients divorcing, some of the content in these guidelines seem like “common sense.” Having sat on the licensing board and having reviewed complaints against numerous therapists for violating those principles, it has led me to believe that sense and training in this area is not common.
I will be discussing these matters in an upcoming CEU workshop, sponsored by the Oklahoma Association for Marriage and Family Therapy, for professionals titled “The ethical and legal complications of treating families of divorce.” I hope we can raise the awareness of therapists to the dangers lurking in providing services in court related cases, and how to practice within the “best practice guidelines.” The workshop will be held on December 10th at 9:00 a.m. For more information, check out: http://www.okamft.org/ohana/events/listEvents.cfm
Fall is in the air, the season is about to change. Like the seasons of life, the empty nest transition takes place over a period of time. It can be a difficult time marked by feelings of emptiness, loss, and a longing for what was, OR the empty nest season can be a time for awareness, reflection and re-evaluation about your marriage, your children and yourself.
Marriage
With only two of you living in the home, more time is available to spend with your spouse (this thought should not invoke fear!). Schedules are less hectic allowing you to talk with each other versus talking at each other in passing. Some couples discover they have little in common at this stage. If so, give thought to finding something you both enjoy….remember when just being together was more important than what you were actually doing? Consider using this time to explore new recreational activities and entertainment venues together. Sharing ideas with each other can lead to great conversations.
Adult Children
It’s very gratifying to form relationships with your adult children…to watch them making and enjoying their new life apart from you. A word of caution may be in order here. With adult children, your role changes from one of parenting to consulting. If you have allowed your child to make decisions and take consequences for those decisions early on, this transition is easier. As a parent, you offer opinions, thoughts and input because “you know best”. As a consultant, however, your opinions will be more influential if you wait until they are invited. You are still the parent, but your approach, parent or consultant, could determine how glad your children are to see you coming.
Redefining Your Self
What happened to all those labels that used to define me?” you ask. You were someone’s Mom, someone’s Wife, the Cook, the Chauffeur, the Nurse, the Event Coordinator, etc. The empty nest season offers you an opportunity to revisit past dreams, desires and ambitions. The choices are vast; you could learn a hobby, take a class, or engage in recreational activities. You could enlarge your social circle, focus on a career, or volunteer for your church or a non-profit organization. Begin by listing your dreams and desires, then gathering information to help you choose the direction you want to go. Some resources that could be helpful include your church, the YWCA, walking or running clubs, book clubs, or community colleges.
Grandchildren
This is also the season for grandchildren! They bring a special joy to life that balances the void left by their parents. Opportunity presents itself once again to teach, guide and influence, only this time the perspective is wiser, gentler and tempered with patience. If you don’t have grandchildren, let your seasoned life benefit others through mentoring programs at church or within the community. Making a difference gives you self worth.
Let the empty nest season be a new beginning for your marriage, your children and yourself…..Enjoy!
Salley Sutmiller, M.S. and Lois Trost, M.S.W.
Mr. Bowden McElroy and Dr. Tim Doty discuss what “we wish every youth minister knew about crisis management in twenty minutes or less.” We cover issues of confidentiality and legal/moral/ethical obligations to be wary of secret-keeping. We also discuss linking to referral sources and we encourage youth ministers and helpers in general to prioritize self-care. We hope you enjoy this podcast and we look forward to posting additional teaching-related material.
What Every Youth Minister Needs to Know About Handling Mental Health Crises from Dr. Timothy Doty on Vimeo.
Announcement! CFI has entered the video age. We have recently posted a couple of videos.
Dr. Dale Doty discusses the benefits of PREPARE/ENRICH training for pastors, clergy, ministers, counselors, and marriage coaches who would like certification in a very useful tool.
Check back for more videos coming soon!
Passion and romance are not constants in a love relationship. If it were not for the constraints inherent to most marriages (e.g., financial, spiritual, impact upon the children, etc.) many marriages would not endure long enough to restore the reasons why the marital commitment was made in the first place. That is why the commitment factor is so predictive of marital survival.
The loss of passion and romance is such a common phenomenon that song writers have capitalized upon it as a theme that is highly marketable. Consider the list of contemporary songs below as a sample. See if you can think of others. Just remember that normal doesn’t necessarily mean healthy. Marital therapy is designed to assist couples in recovering those lost feelings and preventing them from slipping away again.
“You’ve Lost That Loving Feeling”
-The Righteous Brothers
“You Don’t Send Me Flowers Anymore”
-Neil Diamond & Barbara Streisand
“The Thrill Is Gone”
-B.B. King
“Where Has Our Love Gone?”
-The Supremes
“Total Eclipse Of The Heart”
-Bonnie Tyler
“Home Ain’t Where His Heart Is Anymore”
-Shania Twain
“I Don’t Care Anymore”
-Phil Collins/Genesis
“Now That The Magic Has Gone”
-Joe Cocker
“How Do You Like Me Now?”
-Tobi Keith
“Where Is The Love”
-Black Eyed Pea
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