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Usually this is asked at the end of a particularly difficult or emotional session. It’s often followed by the statement, “I couldn’t do what you do”. The truth is, I probably couldn’t do what you do. Not day in and day out. I believe one’s vocation is a calling. We usually think of ministers and missionaries as “being called” to the pastorate or the mission field. I think God has plans and designs for each of us and some are called to be counselors or bankers or truck drivers, and some are even called (though I think it’s more a curse than a blessing) to be Junior High math teachers. Counseling is what I do, it’s a part of who I am; it is what I have been called to do.
That is the short answer. A longer answer is comprised of three parts. First, I have a well defined sense of self and very firm boundaries. In other words, I don’t take responsibility for the outcome or direction of your life. My job is to be the best counselor I know how to be for the time you are in my office. What happens after counseling is over is up to you. That doesn’t mean I don’t care (I do) or that I don’t worry about you as you leave my office (I try to keep that to a minimum but the reality is some of my clients are in a really tough place). It does mean that I take responsibility for my life and I expect my clients to take responsibility for theirs.
I don’t do the same thing hour after hour, day after day. Counseling is a process made up of different parts or phases. Some of my day is spent doing assessments: figuring out what is really going on in order to create the most effective treatment plan. Being a good diagnostician is like being a detective. I question, probe, and investigate. I analyze, summarize, and interpret. At other times I teach skills: communication skills, problem-solving skills, parenting skills, etc. I get to take off my detective hat and put on my educator hat. Still other parts of my day are spent listening, empathizing, and understanding. On occasion I confront people, at other times I explain how they are quite normal and anyone would react/think/feel as they are. Counseling is much more than just sitting in a chair murmuring “And how do you feel about that?”. I actually enjoy those difficult situations that require me to call upon all of my training and experience; even if the client never realizes just how much work that is.
Finally, I do what I do all day long because I take pride in my work. I make a difference in people’s lives… and that’s more than a lot of people can say.
Licensed Professional Counselor
The quality of relationship you have with your adult children will often determine how much counsel your children will accept from you. It is important not to rush to judgments or counsel BEFORE you have earned the right to speak. Rushed judgments or counsel before it is welcome can permanently damage relationships with our adult children and their future spouse.
Since Adam and Eve, people have been marrying and learning to live with another person in the most wonderful and the most awful circumstances. The first couple was married at least 130 years and probably closer to eight or nine hundred. How did they do that? (I know, it probably helped that they weren’t given choices!)
Dr. Tim Doty appeared on Tulsa’s FOX affiliate’s Daybreak show February 7th, 2013. The program director was given a suggestion to talk about how couples handle financial decisions as a Valentine’s themed check on relationships. Dr. Tim was invited to talk on the subject! While finances may not be at the forefront of people’s minds during the Valentine’s season, it can be a good time, nevertheless to discuss the importance of communicating well through potential areas of conflict. Here is a summary of the literature that Dr. Tim discussed on Daybreak.
There are a few areas of “polite conversation” that we may not have been sufficiently prepared for when we entered into our own committed relationships: money, sex, politics. Most of us develop patterns in relationships that model what we saw in our own families of origin, therefore, if what we are used to in terms of discussions about how couples handle finances was either avoided or heated, we may likely fall into the same patterns ourselves. Research (and probably your own lives can attest) that the number one conflict starter in marriages and committed relationships is often discussions around money1. Further, discussions of money between couples often are important conversations that represent more than just how much money is in the bank, but can be reflective of concerns such as: trust, power, acceptance, security, and respect2,3. HOW we talk to one another in our relationships about issues such as marriage can be a determining factor in how we navigate the success or failure of a committed relationship. Important areas of couples communication skills and emotional understanding4 include: how you have fun together, sexual expectations, how you handle social lives and family, the roles you expect of one another, and spiritual beliefs.
