Hope is a Big Word
February 21, 2010
Hope is a big word. It is what keeps us going. It is something that helps us to cope with bad times and the essence of what we celebrate in the good times. It is something that is often lacking in a therapists office. Lately, I have realized that one of my primary goals is to instill hope.
Hope is the confidence that something better is to come. Whether it is a hope that grief will pass, that we can turn a struggling marriage around or that survival will actually occur, hope helps us persevere.
A lack of Hope steals our motivation. It wrecks our energy and it halts any progress. Without hope, we have no reason to do anything. This is why it can be one of the most devastating symptoms of depression. Hopelessness is the lie that tells us “things cannot improve, in fact they are likely to get worse.” We can take harbor in the fact that it is just that, a lie.
We serve a God of hope. Look at 1 Corinthians 13:13 “And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.” I must admit as I have contemplated faith, hope and love, it has been common to highlight faith and love and overlook hope. That’s like trying to construct a two sided triangle. Faith is dependent on hope. Hebrews 11:1 “Now faith is being sure of what we hope for…” If we have no hope, then we have no reason to love. Without hope, following the Christian faith offers us very little. With hope, our faith offers us and the world everything, including an eternity with the absolute source of love.
Just as the eternal optimist needs to be reminded that it isn’t always going to be pure bliss, the person caught in the grips of crisis and grief needs hope to remind him that this season will also pass. Better times are to come.
We can glean hope from a variety of places.
Sometimes, it really is true that things will soon become better. In the research world we speak of “regression to the mean.” It’s a fancy way of saying that when a circumstance varies from the norm, in all likelihood it will gravitate back towards a more normal position. So, if someone is very depressed, even without treatment the next time you evaluate their level of distress there is a likelihood that there will be some improvement. Maybe not as much as is desired, but some inching back towards normal.
Some people find hope in the simple presence of others. Knowing that others genuinely care, can go a long way. A little bit of comfort, which provides us with even the smallest amount of relief points us to the fact that greater relief and even joy is going to come.
At times, simply looking at the facts and helping someone to be more rational can prove hopeful. The more extreme the emotion, the more difficult it is to see a situation accurately. Emotions tend to exaggerate our extreme thinking, even to the point of causing us to think there is no hope. Often, simply escaping the extreme emotions and checking into a more rational state will help us to see that there really is hope.
As a Christian the greatest source of hope likely comes through our faith. This hope focuses us on God: On what he has done for us; On the value of Christ’s teaching; On His resurrection and the faith that we will someday be likewise resurrected; On eternity with Him, experiencing true joy rooted in His love. This hope focuses us on today, on his presence in the Holy Spirit, on the idea that He is in control and that we don’t have to be. It guides us to look to those thing that lift Him up and reminds us that we will be right there with him. We have so much in which to look forward and that is the essence of Hope.
It is when things look dimmest that Hope has the greatest power. It helps us to see that troubles are temporary. That, joy comes tomorrow, along with Hope, allows us to imbibe in some of that future joy today.
- Eric Clements, M.S., LPC, LMFT
Premarital Counseling With the PREPARE/ENRICH Customized Version
February 21, 2010
Christian Family Institute has been training mental health professionals, pastors, and lay counselors to do premarital counseling for over 30 years. We are strong believers that such premarital preparation can improve relationships and reduce divorce rates. One tool CFI commonly employs to strengthen relationships and marriages before they begin is the PREPARE/ENRICH assessment inventory.
I look back at the old versions of this test and am amazed at the changes that it has undergone over these many years. I first met Dr. David Fournier, an early developer of the inventory in 1977 when he was pilot testing PREPARE in Kansas City. Little did I know how significant our relationship would later be, and what an important role PREPARE would serve in our work.
This last year, PREPARE underwent another major revision. It is now going to be known as PREPARE/ENRICH Customized version, instead of PREPARE 2000. Several major changes in the instrument are immediately apparent. One change is that all the instruments are combined. Another change is that this version can only be taken by computer. When a counselor agrees with a couple to utilize this version, a private login account is established allowing the parties to take the inventory online. The initial items inquire into the status of the couple’s relationship, such as whether they are engaged, living together, or married. Other items inquire about age and other factors. The answers to these questions determine which banks of questions are relevant and will be administered to the couple. Each couple takes a “custom” version of the assessment.
The outcome results are immediately obvious. Separate reports are generated for counselors (“facilitators”) and couples. Reports include a massive amount or information about the couple and their relationship, no matter what stage of relationship the couple may be in. This enables couples to make important informed decisions, including commitments to grow and change.
Another important aspect of the PREPARE/ENRICH inventories is the increased emphasis on interactive feedback and therapeutic exercises. For those trained in this approach, tools for helping couples grow are immediately available to meet the couple’s needs.
CFI will be providing workshops to train new users of the PREPARE/ENRICH Customized Version, and to update those already trained in PREPARE 2000. Watch CFI’s website for dates and times. Also, check out the Life Innovations website for more information.
by Dale R. Doty, M.S.W., Ph.D.
To sign up for Dr. Dale Doty’s PREPARE/ENRICH training workshop on April 2, please click here.
A Compassionate Reponse to the Haitian Earthquake
January 19, 2010
The recent news of the January 12 earthquake in Haiti leaves many of us feeling great sadness and compassion for the people affected by the tragedy. Many of us, with good intentions, want to respond and help in any way we can. In fact, some whose resources allow may feel a desire to board a plane and add to the ongoing relief efforts in person. However, our initial desire to act may not be the most sustainable and helpful responses.
Because of the need to respond to primary needs and rescue efforts urgently, philanthropy experts recommend giving monetarily to relief-aid groups who have an established presence in Haiti. It is more effective during the early stages of disaster relief and during ongoing rebuilding efforts to work with organizations that have leadership in place to respond to a needs-based assessment on the ground. New organizations to the area or individuals who join in aid efforts without connection to an organization may add to the chaos.
It is okay to wait on your giving. Reconstruction efforts will take time and monetary giving will be needed on an ongoing basis.
It can be anxiety-provoking to sit “idly by” when so much is needed in response to the Haitian earthquake. However, this is an instance in which relying on experts in the area (i.e. the Haitian people and established relief-aid workers) is perhaps a more compassionate response than rushing in with our “expertise.” I would encourage you to donate monetarily and prayerfully to organizations that you already trust to do compassionate work for the needs of our world.
The following is a list (not exhaustive) of organization who have a presence in Haiti:
Cell Phones and Teenagers
January 18, 2010
Increasingly cell phones are mentioned as part of the complaints that bring families to therapy. Cell phones are abused by adults as well as children. The focus of this article will concentrate on the complaints involving children and teens.
The high profile complaints involve parents who have discovered that their children have misused cell phones to transmit sexually oriented material including pictures. According to several surveys, as many as one in five teens indicate they have sent sexually explicit messages. Girls are almost twice as likely as boys to send “sexting” messages.
More often the complaints parents bring to therapy are that cell phone use, both voice and text messaging, consume the priorities of their teens. The grades of these teens are often dropping, and parents describe having difficulty getting the attention of their children to important tasks and responsibilities. As cell phone use increases, teens have less interest in extracurricular and family activities.
These problems too are twice as likely to be reported by the parents of girls. According to cell phone records, 10,000 text messages or more per month are not uncommon. Recent news articles have reported on parents who received $10,000. phone bills for their children’s cellular activities.
We have seen many examples of teenage girls who are in a family therapy session with their parents as we discuss this problem who insist they “must” answer their cell phone when it rings during the session. They explain the call from a friend may be “an emergency.” They explain that the kinds of emergencies they are referring to are friends who break up, had an argument with friends, caught a boyfriend cheating (by talking to another girl), got grounded by parents, someone is rumored to be having sex with someone else, or friends who are cutting themselves, etc. This drama can continue throughout the night and into the early morning hours. Girls in their social network expect immediate response to each others’ latest news. Studies report that rates of depression and other problems are higher with those whose cellular and internet use is high.
These problems often develop when parents provide cell phones to teens without clear rules and guidelines. In this situation, teens decide with their peers what is appropriate. Once these patterns are set, there may be considerable resistance to change. We have seen cases in which a teen whose cell phone was taken away by parents then attempted suicide. They later explained that they felt their whole world collapsed when they could no longer connect immediately with friends.
Cell phones use and computer networking can become addictive. An addiction occurs when any behavior becomes obsessive. The addictive behavior interferes with other responsibilities such as school, work, family responsibilities, and previous interests. As the behavior begins to cause problems, hurt and disappoint people, get negative feedback from employers or teachers, there is resistance to change and defense of the increasingly problematic behavior. The addictive behavior becomes increasingly out of control.
Cell phone abuse without limits or supervision can be highly self-destructive. When cell phones are used to transmit sexual pictures of underage girls including themselves, this is a felony criminal offense.
The best solution is anticipation and prevention. Teens need guidance and supervision. Before the problems begin or when early warning signs emerge, rules need to be established for appropriate cell phone use. Teens must understand that cell phone use is a privilege and is provided conditionally. These rules should cover appropriate hours of cell phone use, as well as limits to the appropriate number of cell phone minutes and any text message limits. The best way to eliminate the temptation of answering incoming calls is to have a specific time in which the phone is turned off. Cell phone providers will provide documentation of use. Some cellular providers provide “parental control” features including the limitation of incoming a or outgoing calls during certain hours, except emergency calls.
Teens can also be taught cell phone etiquette regarding when it is inappropriate to answer calls, such as during family meals or during meetings, or in restaurants, etc. It must be understood that not all calls should be answered. Nearly all phones have voicemail. Messages can be checked later when not disruptive to activities. An important distinction needs to be made regarding what constitutes an “emergency.” When a true emergency exists with friends, they should call 911, not friends.
Schools differ regarding their rules, but teens often violate such rules and get away with such violations if they keep their phone hidden. Parents should support school rules regarding possessing or using cell phones during school hours.
Teens also must be taught about the seriousness of transmitting sexually oriented content, or accessing sexually oriented or pornographic sites. Many cell phones have internet access. A whole world of trouble and danger exists in these sites.
We want to trust our children and believe the best about them. The research information we have suggests that many teens are not honest with their parents about their cell phone and computer use. Often teens will deny viewing or sending sexually oriented content. In tragic cases, parents have not learned the truth until after the discovery is too late. Teens need supervision in the use of such a powerful tool which can be used so destructively. Parents have the right and responsibility to check on their children’s activities.
A Time For Every Season
January 18, 2010
Happy New Year! As we begin a new year and a new decade, I’m reminded of the preacher’s words in Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 (New International Version):
There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven:
a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to
gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain,
a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.
From cradle to grave, our lives are full of seasons. Some are good and some are not so good. Some seem short and some seem as if they will never end. Some produce rapid change and sometimes we think that nothing ever changes. Sometimes we feel like we just get settled in, and then unexpectedly, it’s time to move on. For better or worse, seasons always come to pass, not to stay.
Marriage, too, holds many times and seasons. In addition to the routine ups and downs that are unique to marriage, you have the ups and downs of two individuals and any children they have.
Good seasons are welcome and we seem to cruise through without much thought. It’s during times of stress and crisis that we find out what our marriages and we are made of.
It’s important to realize, during these difficult times, that they will pass—things do change. Having difficulty in our marriage and with our spouse doesn’t mean we have a bad marriage. It means we have problems we need to resolve. It’s really easy, but not helpful, in our attempts to escape our stress to blame our partner and focus on the negatives.
The key is to establish good habits that can sustain us in good times and bad. In the spirit of the New Year, here are some suggestions for maintaining balance that is important for all seasons.
- Don’t shut down, but keep the lines of communication open. Sharing stresses divides the load.
- Don’t overreact to bad times, but act in a manner that encourages good times.
- Don’t blame others or the marriage, but realize that you can get through this time and grow together rather than apart.
- Don’t focus on the cause of the problem, concentrate on finding solutions. Work as a team. Your spouse’s problem is your problem.
- Don’t withdraw from your spouse, but continue to spend time together doing things you enjoy.
- Don’t forget that your spouse is your friend and treat him/her accordingly.
Remember seasons change, and often, the times of greatest satisfaction are on the other side of the storm.
Jesus had a screwed up family too
December 15, 2009
I was first introduced to the intentional nature of Matthew’s account of Jesus’ lineage while attending a freshman intro course of New Testament study at Oklahoma Baptist University (or at least that’s when I remember it sinking in) taught by Mac Roark—since retired. If I remember correctly, Matthew specifically mentions individuals in Jesus’ family tree that most people would like to accidentally leave out of their own histories. Women of “questionable character”[1] including the likes of prostitutes and adulterers are specifically mentioned. Also mentioned are “evil” people and a note of another Bible says that God “works through ordinary people” to “accomplish his will.”[2]
What does Jesus’ family tree have to do with thoughts on psychology, psychotherapy and families? Well, in family therapy we commonly talk about intergenerational trauma or the affects of previous family patterns on current family dynamics. If it can be said that Jesus’ own family history included generational embarrassments and individuals of “questionable character,” can it also be said that great healing and redemption can come from our own family histories? One thing that impacts me about Matthew’s account of Jesus’ lineage is that he listed questionable individuals and even “evil” individuals in the and provided a sense of hope that regardless the struggles that might have been a part of your family, both in distant past and in current circumstances, that God can work out some impressive results. I also happen to think that Matthew provided a nice example for psychotherapy in that he was willing to engage in conversation about previous sore spots in the family. I think talking about issues is one step in the healing process.
My above thoughts were in response to this podcast from Imago Dei Community in Portland regarding the Advent season.
[1] According to the ESV Study Bible notes
[2] NIV Life Application Study Bible notes
Everything I always wanted to know about Christmas as a Jewish child but was afraid to ask my Rabbi
December 14, 2009
Dr. Berman’s Top 10 List
10. Why does Santa Claus think he’s God? (He knows when you are sleeping and awake, bad and good!)
9. Why are there so many Christmas carols that don’t mention Christ?
8. Why do Jewish store owners sing “What a friend we have in Jesus”?
7. Why do Gentiles try so hard all year long to keep house plants alive, then go buy a dead tree and cover it with things that don’t grow on trees?
6. Why do Gentiles celebrate with alcohol at parties in preparation for such a holy day?
5. Why pay retail when everything goes on sale next week?
4. Why do some Gentiles make such a big deal about Christmas and never even go to church?
3. Do I have to believe in Santa Claus in order to become a Christian?
2. Does it cost more to celebrate Christmas than Chanuka?
1. If Christmas is supposed to be a time of joy and celebration, why do so many people get depressed?
Dr. Berman is a born-again Christian who was raised Jewish
William B. Berman, Ph.D.
Holiday Family Conflicts and Disappointments
December 14, 2009
Christmas and the surrounding holidays provide an opportunity for celebrations and get-togethers with family members. For some, the Christmas season is truly a celebration. For others, the holidays are a time of disappointment, hurt, and conflict related to family problems and conflicts that are managed at a distance the rest of the year. Some people deliberately avoid family members with whom they have issues during the year until Christmas time when traditions include getting together with family. Just because we may be Christians does not make us exempt from family problems.
For those who have abusive family members, or family members who abuse drugs and alcohol, or have psychiatric problems, the thought of getting together can be painful. Many feel obligated to get together rather than make a scene or make a statement by their conspicuous absence.
Common issues that emerge at this time of year may include:
- Family members who drink too much, or may be under the influence of drugs which modify moods, and sometimes make those using them combative, or socially inappropriate in other ways
- Some family members have psychiatric problems which interfere with their ability to behave properly in relationships and in social settings
- Family members who have long standing conflicts and where deep wounds still exist from the past
- Parts of the family which have been fractured by marital problems or divorce
- Some parts of the family who live very different and incompatible lifestyles, or who may hold to extremely different beliefs and values that are offensive
Any of these situations can lead to tension, anxiety, and a sense of dread in getting together for the holidays. These conflicts also lead to feelings of depression, sadness, guilt, resentments, anger, and a tendency to relive the old hurts.
To handle the anticipated unpleasant get-togethers with some of these troublesome people, consider several strategies:
- It is often best to meet at someone else’s house so you can leave when you want to. It is more difficult to get someone to leave your house when you no longer feel comfortable.
- Choose not to be alone with the ones you have the most trouble with. Stay with those in the group you feel most safe around. Possibly discuss with the ones who have the most understanding of the problem your need to have a “buddy,” or someone to run interference for you.
- Keep visits with the troublesome people short. If conflict emerges, excuse yourself and go lock yourself in the bathroom for a few minutes. If conflict subsides, stay a little longer. If the level of conflict or emotional distress rises to an uncomfortable level, express that you don’t feel well (which will likely be true) and excuse yourself and leave the gathering.
- Drive yourself to the event or get-together, or have someone drive you that will agree to leave the event when you are ready to leave.
In these ways, you can participate in a limited way without having to either make yourself too uncomfortable or eliminate yourself completely from the family gathering. Also, family therapy for extended or family-of-origin issues can empower you and help you know your options for keeping your peace during the holidays.
- Dale R. Doty, M.S.W., Ph.D., LCSW, LMFT
Christmas Hope
December 14, 2009
Christmas… a time of hope…a time of peace…a time of joy…Hum….
Is it just me? No. I know other mothers out there are feeling the same stress and pressure of Christmas. Instead of hope, peace and joy, I find myself at times feeling tired, irritated and full of frustration. I want my kids to remember the reason we celebrate Christmas in the first place. CHRIST. It seems as though all of my effort to read more scripture, teach them about Advent, and remind them to be givers, fall on deaf ears.
Sometime around the middle of November my name changed. My sweet 9 year old boy no longer called me Mama. My name changed to “Mama CanIhave”. I asked the kids to come up with a list of gifts they would like to have. That sweet little boy turned into a monster. It was like nothing I have never seen before. I received a Christmas list stapled to the toys-r-us catalog. Not only did he list fourteen video games, 5 board games, a new DS-I, an iPod touch, and a myriad of gift card requests, that sweet child had circled nearly EVERY boy item in that 50+ page catalog! (and a few girly items, too!) He also reminded that even though he knew there was no tooth fairy or Easter Bunny, he did still indeed believe in Santa Claus.
I told him that was quite a list and there was no way he would get everything on his list. His reply was, “That’s ok, mom. I’ll just give it to Grams”. Now, if you know anything about me, you know that I am never at a loss for words, but friends, I had nothing. At least nothing good. I shook my head and decided that I needed to deal with this later for fear I would say something that would crush the spirit of that nine year old boy.
I knew he needed a good “come to Jesus talk” as my mother would say. But, is it really his fault?? I created this little monster. I wanted so badly to bless my children that they now feel entitled to ask for everything. Where does this need to give to my children come from? I am a mother! I am a giver! I want to give to my children. How much more does our Heavenly Father want to give to us if only we believe?
This past Sunday in church, the pastor stated, “Giving is to teach us to be givers, not receivers”.
There is some redemption in this story. I did have a talk with my son about realistic expectations and let him know that I would need a revised list of the top 6-8 things that he really, really wanted. My name has not changed back to “mama” yet, but shortly after Christmas I know it will. My daughter, Katie, told me yesterday, that instead of a bunch of presents she thought it would be a good idea to donate to St. Jude’s in the name of our sweet friend, Charlie, who is battling cancer. Zach agreed.
May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.
—Romans 15:13
Jamie Brandon, M.S., LMFT
Avoiding Holiday Blues
December 14, 2009
Strategies to Minimize Holiday Blues
1. Create new traditions
2. Focus on what God expects of you
3. Boycott the mall!
4. Set aside time to grieve
5. Be proactive in preventing lonliness
6. “Cut the apron strings” and place family priorities above families-of-origin.
Originally posted on Bowden McElroy’s Counseling Notes Blog, Nov. 21, 2007.
Bowden McElroy. M.Ed., LPC
mcelroycounseling.com
