Premarital Counseling With the PREPARE/ENRICH Customized Version
February 21, 2010
Christian Family Institute has been training mental health professionals, pastors, and lay counselors to do premarital counseling for over 30 years. We are strong believers that such premarital preparation can improve relationships and reduce divorce rates. One tool CFI commonly employs to strengthen relationships and marriages before they begin is the PREPARE/ENRICH assessment inventory.
I look back at the old versions of this test and am amazed at the changes that it has undergone over these many years. I first met Dr. David Fournier, an early developer of the inventory in 1977 when he was pilot testing PREPARE in Kansas City. Little did I know how significant our relationship would later be, and what an important role PREPARE would serve in our work.
This last year, PREPARE underwent another major revision. It is now going to be known as PREPARE/ENRICH Customized version, instead of PREPARE 2000. Several major changes in the instrument are immediately apparent. One change is that all the instruments are combined. Another change is that this version can only be taken by computer. When a counselor agrees with a couple to utilize this version, a private login account is established allowing the parties to take the inventory online. The initial items inquire into the status of the couple’s relationship, such as whether they are engaged, living together, or married. Other items inquire about age and other factors. The answers to these questions determine which banks of questions are relevant and will be administered to the couple. Each couple takes a “custom” version of the assessment.
The outcome results are immediately obvious. Separate reports are generated for counselors (“facilitators”) and couples. Reports include a massive amount or information about the couple and their relationship, no matter what stage of relationship the couple may be in. This enables couples to make important informed decisions, including commitments to grow and change.
Another important aspect of the PREPARE/ENRICH inventories is the increased emphasis on interactive feedback and therapeutic exercises. For those trained in this approach, tools for helping couples grow are immediately available to meet the couple’s needs.
CFI will be providing workshops to train new users of the PREPARE/ENRICH Customized Version, and to update those already trained in PREPARE 2000. Watch CFI’s website for dates and times. Also, check out the Life Innovations website for more information.
by Dale R. Doty, M.S.W., Ph.D.
To sign up for Dr. Dale Doty’s PREPARE/ENRICH training workshop on April 2, please click here.
Cell Phones and Teenagers
January 18, 2010
Increasingly cell phones are mentioned as part of the complaints that bring families to therapy. Cell phones are abused by adults as well as children. The focus of this article will concentrate on the complaints involving children and teens.
The high profile complaints involve parents who have discovered that their children have misused cell phones to transmit sexually oriented material including pictures. According to several surveys, as many as one in five teens indicate they have sent sexually explicit messages. Girls are almost twice as likely as boys to send “sexting” messages.
More often the complaints parents bring to therapy are that cell phone use, both voice and text messaging, consume the priorities of their teens. The grades of these teens are often dropping, and parents describe having difficulty getting the attention of their children to important tasks and responsibilities. As cell phone use increases, teens have less interest in extracurricular and family activities.
These problems too are twice as likely to be reported by the parents of girls. According to cell phone records, 10,000 text messages or more per month are not uncommon. Recent news articles have reported on parents who received $10,000. phone bills for their children’s cellular activities.
We have seen many examples of teenage girls who are in a family therapy session with their parents as we discuss this problem who insist they “must” answer their cell phone when it rings during the session. They explain the call from a friend may be “an emergency.” They explain that the kinds of emergencies they are referring to are friends who break up, had an argument with friends, caught a boyfriend cheating (by talking to another girl), got grounded by parents, someone is rumored to be having sex with someone else, or friends who are cutting themselves, etc. This drama can continue throughout the night and into the early morning hours. Girls in their social network expect immediate response to each others’ latest news. Studies report that rates of depression and other problems are higher with those whose cellular and internet use is high.
These problems often develop when parents provide cell phones to teens without clear rules and guidelines. In this situation, teens decide with their peers what is appropriate. Once these patterns are set, there may be considerable resistance to change. We have seen cases in which a teen whose cell phone was taken away by parents then attempted suicide. They later explained that they felt their whole world collapsed when they could no longer connect immediately with friends.
Cell phones use and computer networking can become addictive. An addiction occurs when any behavior becomes obsessive. The addictive behavior interferes with other responsibilities such as school, work, family responsibilities, and previous interests. As the behavior begins to cause problems, hurt and disappoint people, get negative feedback from employers or teachers, there is resistance to change and defense of the increasingly problematic behavior. The addictive behavior becomes increasingly out of control.
Cell phone abuse without limits or supervision can be highly self-destructive. When cell phones are used to transmit sexual pictures of underage girls including themselves, this is a felony criminal offense.
The best solution is anticipation and prevention. Teens need guidance and supervision. Before the problems begin or when early warning signs emerge, rules need to be established for appropriate cell phone use. Teens must understand that cell phone use is a privilege and is provided conditionally. These rules should cover appropriate hours of cell phone use, as well as limits to the appropriate number of cell phone minutes and any text message limits. The best way to eliminate the temptation of answering incoming calls is to have a specific time in which the phone is turned off. Cell phone providers will provide documentation of use. Some cellular providers provide “parental control” features including the limitation of incoming a or outgoing calls during certain hours, except emergency calls.
Teens can also be taught cell phone etiquette regarding when it is inappropriate to answer calls, such as during family meals or during meetings, or in restaurants, etc. It must be understood that not all calls should be answered. Nearly all phones have voicemail. Messages can be checked later when not disruptive to activities. An important distinction needs to be made regarding what constitutes an “emergency.” When a true emergency exists with friends, they should call 911, not friends.
Schools differ regarding their rules, but teens often violate such rules and get away with such violations if they keep their phone hidden. Parents should support school rules regarding possessing or using cell phones during school hours.
Teens also must be taught about the seriousness of transmitting sexually oriented content, or accessing sexually oriented or pornographic sites. Many cell phones have internet access. A whole world of trouble and danger exists in these sites.
We want to trust our children and believe the best about them. The research information we have suggests that many teens are not honest with their parents about their cell phone and computer use. Often teens will deny viewing or sending sexually oriented content. In tragic cases, parents have not learned the truth until after the discovery is too late. Teens need supervision in the use of such a powerful tool which can be used so destructively. Parents have the right and responsibility to check on their children’s activities.
Holiday Family Conflicts and Disappointments
December 14, 2009
Christmas and the surrounding holidays provide an opportunity for celebrations and get-togethers with family members. For some, the Christmas season is truly a celebration. For others, the holidays are a time of disappointment, hurt, and conflict related to family problems and conflicts that are managed at a distance the rest of the year. Some people deliberately avoid family members with whom they have issues during the year until Christmas time when traditions include getting together with family. Just because we may be Christians does not make us exempt from family problems.
For those who have abusive family members, or family members who abuse drugs and alcohol, or have psychiatric problems, the thought of getting together can be painful. Many feel obligated to get together rather than make a scene or make a statement by their conspicuous absence.
Common issues that emerge at this time of year may include:
- Family members who drink too much, or may be under the influence of drugs which modify moods, and sometimes make those using them combative, or socially inappropriate in other ways
- Some family members have psychiatric problems which interfere with their ability to behave properly in relationships and in social settings
- Family members who have long standing conflicts and where deep wounds still exist from the past
- Parts of the family which have been fractured by marital problems or divorce
- Some parts of the family who live very different and incompatible lifestyles, or who may hold to extremely different beliefs and values that are offensive
Any of these situations can lead to tension, anxiety, and a sense of dread in getting together for the holidays. These conflicts also lead to feelings of depression, sadness, guilt, resentments, anger, and a tendency to relive the old hurts.
To handle the anticipated unpleasant get-togethers with some of these troublesome people, consider several strategies:
- It is often best to meet at someone else’s house so you can leave when you want to. It is more difficult to get someone to leave your house when you no longer feel comfortable.
- Choose not to be alone with the ones you have the most trouble with. Stay with those in the group you feel most safe around. Possibly discuss with the ones who have the most understanding of the problem your need to have a “buddy,” or someone to run interference for you.
- Keep visits with the troublesome people short. If conflict emerges, excuse yourself and go lock yourself in the bathroom for a few minutes. If conflict subsides, stay a little longer. If the level of conflict or emotional distress rises to an uncomfortable level, express that you don’t feel well (which will likely be true) and excuse yourself and leave the gathering.
- Drive yourself to the event or get-together, or have someone drive you that will agree to leave the event when you are ready to leave.
In these ways, you can participate in a limited way without having to either make yourself too uncomfortable or eliminate yourself completely from the family gathering. Also, family therapy for extended or family-of-origin issues can empower you and help you know your options for keeping your peace during the holidays.
