…or, how to be a concerned parent and be heard

As a Licensed Professional Counselor in private practice I often work with parents who express frustration with their child’s school experience. The parents know things aren’t going well, they want their child to succeed in school, and they can feel unheard by the teacher or school administrators.

There are many things I can do as a counselor: family therapy, individual therapy with the child, teach parenting skills, refer for testing for learning disabilities, etc. One thing I often do is help parents navigate their way through the school system by acting as an advocate and by teaching conflict-resolution and negotiation skills.

Put simply, you really can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.

Or as my wife – a public school teacher – puts it: the “problem parents” aren’t the ones who are voicing problems or demanding solutions. “Problem parents” are the ones who do so in an obnoxious manner. Being labeled an obnoxious parent won’t help your child and may slow down the process of finding solutions.

1.  Do read all the notes sent home by the teacher. Most teachers have access to all kinds of technologies from websites listing homework assignments to email and newsletters. But many teachers still do things the old-fashioned way: they send notes home. Go through your child’s backpack and folders and make sure you have read all the notes. Nothing is more embarrassing than raising a stink only to find the information was available to you all along.
2. Don’t call the teacher 20 times a day. Call once and leave a brief message (perhaps directing them to a more detailed email you just sent) with both day-time and evening phone numbers.
3. Don’t expect a call back until after the kids have left for the day. Just because the teacher has a phone in the classroom (something unheard of when I was teaching 30+ years ago) doesn’t mean s/he has time to talk.
4. Do attend all of the meetings, parent conferences, and activities you possibly can. It is human nature to look more favorably on someone with whom we have a relationship than a person we’ve never met before. Who would you go out of your way to help? The angry person you’ve just met or the one you know? If your schedule doesn’t allow you to attend meetings or activities then send the teacher a nice email describing your limitations and asking to be kept informed.
5. Do get both sides of the story before you rush to complain to the teacher. Some kids leave out vital details. Just because your child would NEVER tell a lie doesn’t mean she has all the facts. I expect parents to support their children; I also expect them to gather all the relevant data before rushing to their child’s defense.
6. Do understand the school system. Teachers are responsible for what happens in their classroom. They are not responsible for school policies or district-wide decisions.
7. Don’t skip over the chain-of-command. If you have a complaint or a concern then start with the teacher before going to the Principal. If you still aren’t satisfied then the next step is the Superintendent followed by the Board Members.
8. Do expect a solution to your child’s learning or behavioral difficulties. But don’t expect it to occur without your helpful input.

Bowden McElroy, M.Ed.

bowdenmcelroy.com | Twitter

I see many newly divorced or separated fathers in my office who are good dads.  They have been involved in their child’s life attending parent-teacher conferences and all of the holiday parties at the grade school.  They went because their wife had informed them of the school schedule and they made it a priority to show up.

And then they stop.  Not because they are suddenly bad fathers or they stopped caring about their children but because they lost their in-home secretary.

Newly divorce dads need to remember:

1. Your ex-wife is no longer responsible for keeping you apprised of your child’s schedule.  Neither are young children.  That’s why teachers send notes to parents.
2. Give the school office and your child’s teacher your email address and phone numbers.  Many teachers communicate by email and it is easy to add your address to their email list.
3. Many schools have implemented websites where a parent can check grades and homework assignments for each child.  Make a practice of checking in regularly.
4. Look in your student’s backpack for notes sent home by the teacher.  Don’t assume that this is your ex-wife’s job.  If your ex-wife has had the kids for a few days make a point of asking specifically about notes and communication from the school.
5. Show up at every event you can: your children need re-assurance that you and their mother divorced each other…  not that you divorced them!

Bowden McElroy

BowdenMcElroy.com

What Every Youth Minister Needs to Know About Handling Mental Health Crises from Dr. Timothy Doty on Vimeo.

Strategies to Minimize Holiday Blues
1. Create new traditions
2. Focus on what God expects of you
3. Boycott the mall!
4. Set aside time to grieve
5. Be proactive in preventing loneliness
6. “Cut the apron strings” and place  family priorities above  families-of-origin.

Originally posted on Bowden McElroy’s Counseling Notes Blog, Nov. 21, 2007.

Bowden McElroy. M.Ed., LPC
mcelroycounseling.com