The Honeymoon Is Over—Now What? Part One: FAITH
June 21, 2010
I’d like to say that honeymoon never ends, but that might create unrealistic expectations. Since unrealistic expectations are responsible for a lot of newlywed angst, I’m going to focus on some ways to build a solid marriage based on reality, not expectations.
What follows is the first installment of a three-part series emphasizing three broad areas: Faith, Fellowship, and Fun. Each contributes much to everyday marriage and perpetuates the bond you began to build during that wonderful honeymoon.
As a Christian, I believe that everything rests on faith, so let’s start with that. My faith is in God, the creator of all things and in Jesus, the “author and perfecter of faith” (Hebrews 11:3 and 12:2). This faith informs the way I live my life as an individual and as a partner in marriage.
How does this work? The best thing I do for my marital satisfaction is to nurture my faith by being in close relationship with God, the creator of marriage. The more closely I follow Him, through individual Bible study and prayer time, the more I feel loved by Him and am able to extend that love and grace to others—especially my spouse.
I learn that God is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness, maintaining love to thousands, and forgiving wickedness rebellion and sin (Exodus 34:6-7); so, I extend compassion and grace, I make effort to be slow to anger, to abound in love, and forgive the sins against me (Matthew 6:12, 14-15).
I learn that Jesus is at God’s right hand making intercessions for me (Romans 8:34); therefore, when I think my spouse is off base, I am before God interceding for him.
I learn that I’m to be thankful in all things (1 Thessalonians 5:18); so, I thank God for my spouse even when I’m not happy with him. It keeps the balance.
I learn that love, as described in the Bible (1 Corinthians 13:4-8), is about what I do, not how I feel; therefore, I concentrate on showing love, rather than feeling love.
As you cultivate your faith as an individual, there are also things to do, as a couple, which will cultivate closeness between you. These are just suggestions, feel free to add to the list. As you grow individually, share that with each other. Find a church body you both feel comfortable with–worship together and serve. Share with each other the joys and difficulties of service. Go on a mission trip together. Join a small group with like values where you will be loved and supported as a couple. Spend some time studying and praying together.
I want to end by saying that our faith is to strengthen and encourage us, not to be used as a weapon of warfare against each other. So, be diligent to cultivate your faith as an individual and as a couple. The benefits are great.
A Time For Every Season
January 18, 2010
Happy New Year! As we begin a new year and a new decade, I’m reminded of the preacher’s words in Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 (New International Version):
There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven:
a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to
gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain,
a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.
From cradle to grave, our lives are full of seasons. Some are good and some are not so good. Some seem short and some seem as if they will never end. Some produce rapid change and sometimes we think that nothing ever changes. Sometimes we feel like we just get settled in, and then unexpectedly, it’s time to move on. For better or worse, seasons always come to pass, not to stay.
Marriage, too, holds many times and seasons. In addition to the routine ups and downs that are unique to marriage, you have the ups and downs of two individuals and any children they have.
Good seasons are welcome and we seem to cruise through without much thought. It’s during times of stress and crisis that we find out what our marriages and we are made of.
It’s important to realize, during these difficult times, that they will pass—things do change. Having difficulty in our marriage and with our spouse doesn’t mean we have a bad marriage. It means we have problems we need to resolve. It’s really easy, but not helpful, in our attempts to escape our stress to blame our partner and focus on the negatives.
The key is to establish good habits that can sustain us in good times and bad. In the spirit of the New Year, here are some suggestions for maintaining balance that is important for all seasons.
- Don’t shut down, but keep the lines of communication open. Sharing stresses divides the load.
- Don’t overreact to bad times, but act in a manner that encourages good times.
- Don’t blame others or the marriage, but realize that you can get through this time and grow together rather than apart.
- Don’t focus on the cause of the problem, concentrate on finding solutions. Work as a team. Your spouse’s problem is your problem.
- Don’t withdraw from your spouse, but continue to spend time together doing things you enjoy.
- Don’t forget that your spouse is your friend and treat him/her accordingly.
Remember seasons change, and often, the times of greatest satisfaction are on the other side of the storm.
