1. To answer this, we must determine what the provisions are of the divorce decree.  This document spells out parents’ rights.  In joint custody, both parents have equal rights to information about treatment of their child.  The divorce decree may spell out who must be notified or give consent for any medical treatment of the child.  Counseling falls in this category.
2. In general, treating a child without the knowledge of the ex puts the child in the uncomfortable position of having to keep a secret from one of their parents.  This burden is often counter-productive to the child’s welfare.
3. Often this question is asked in high-conflict divorce situations.  These types of divorces include harmful stressors for children.  The counselor may first need to address the continued “high-conflict” condition, starting with one willing parent.  Counseling can help a parent find ways of reducing the level of conflict as a way of protecting the child from further harm.  Once emotional safety for the child is established and the child is out of the middle of the conflict, counseling can begin for the child.

In some cases, courts may have given full custody to one parent, or limited the rights of the non-custodial parent.  In these cases it may be acceptable to see the child without the other parent knowing or being entitled to any information.

If a non-Christian comes to CFI, they have a general idea of what we believe. Early in the process we will usually discuss the role faith plays in a client’s life.  Part of that discussion will help the therapist and client determine if and how faith elements will be handled.  Sometimes even Christians don’t want much faith talk in their therapy sessions for a variety of reasons.  Perhaps they are in a spiritual crisis or they have grown tired of simplistic faith talk and have been turned off by it.

We have seen clients from all faith perspectives.  That includes a wide variety of Christian faiths, other faiths, and those with atheistic and agnostic viewpoints. Part of our motivation to be helpers is rooted in our faith, however, that does not mean we will force our faith on our clients. We will respect our client’s desire about the role of faith in therapy.

1. Attend an open house, “meet the teacher” or parent-teacher conference and ask specific questions regarding typical assignments such as how frequent will they typically be made and approximately how much time should it typically take.
2. Learn about which teachers have made assignment information available over the Internet and review it with your child before they begin.
3. Create a homework space designed with limited distractions and equipped with all necessary materials and supplies.
4. Discover your child’s maximum attention span for sustaining their highest performance.  Then, established break periods before that point is reached. For example, if your child will be doing 60 minutes of homework but their attention span and productivity rapidly declines after 20 minutes, you can create 4 separate 15 minute homework times between coming home and going to bed.
5.  Be sure to leave some time for nurturing your child and enjoying them.

The professional staff at Christian Family Institute is uniquely trained to help families with parenting concerns.  We are here for you if you need us.

Dr. William Berman

…or, how to be a concerned parent and be heard

As a Licensed Professional Counselor in private practice I often work with parents who express frustration with their child’s school experience. The parents know things aren’t going well, they want their child to succeed in school, and they can feel unheard by the teacher or school administrators.

There are many things I can do as a counselor: family therapy, individual therapy with the child, teach parenting skills, refer for testing for learning disabilities, etc. One thing I often do is help parents navigate their way through the school system by acting as an advocate and by teaching conflict-resolution and negotiation skills.

Put simply, you really can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.

Or as my wife – a public school teacher – puts it: the “problem parents” aren’t the ones who are voicing problems or demanding solutions. “Problem parents” are the ones who do so in an obnoxious manner. Being labeled an obnoxious parent won’t help your child and may slow down the process of finding solutions.

1.  Do read all the notes sent home by the teacher. Most teachers have access to all kinds of technologies from websites listing homework assignments to email and newsletters. But many teachers still do things the old-fashioned way: they send notes home. Go through your child’s backpack and folders and make sure you have read all the notes. Nothing is more embarrassing than raising a stink only to find the information was available to you all along.
2. Don’t call the teacher 20 times a day. Call once and leave a brief message (perhaps directing them to a more detailed email you just sent) with both day-time and evening phone numbers.
3. Don’t expect a call back until after the kids have left for the day. Just because the teacher has a phone in the classroom (something unheard of when I was teaching 30+ years ago) doesn’t mean s/he has time to talk.
4. Do attend all of the meetings, parent conferences, and activities you possibly can. It is human nature to look more favorably on someone with whom we have a relationship than a person we’ve never met before. Who would you go out of your way to help? The angry person you’ve just met or the one you know? If your schedule doesn’t allow you to attend meetings or activities then send the teacher a nice email describing your limitations and asking to be kept informed.
5. Do get both sides of the story before you rush to complain to the teacher. Some kids leave out vital details. Just because your child would NEVER tell a lie doesn’t mean she has all the facts. I expect parents to support their children; I also expect them to gather all the relevant data before rushing to their child’s defense.
6. Do understand the school system. Teachers are responsible for what happens in their classroom. They are not responsible for school policies or district-wide decisions.
7. Don’t skip over the chain-of-command. If you have a complaint or a concern then start with the teacher before going to the Principal. If you still aren’t satisfied then the next step is the Superintendent followed by the Board Members.
8. Do expect a solution to your child’s learning or behavioral difficulties. But don’t expect it to occur without your helpful input.

Bowden McElroy, M.Ed.

bowdenmcelroy.com | Twitter

Our community has been aware of these concerns and started the Oklahoma Marriage Initiative (OMI)  in 1999 to address our state’s  high divorce rates.  It has become a model program for the nation.  At Christian Family Institute, we work with couples in all stages of relationships to improve their relationship and reduce the chances of a marriage ending in divorce.  We offer premarital counseling that enables couples to receive a discount on their marriage license in the state of Oklahoma when they complete our program.

For churches, leaders, counselors, and professionals in our state who seek to strengthen marriages, CFI offers trainings on the PREPARE/ENRICH tool (video).  At CFI, we believe in the importance of marriage as a viable, cultural, God-blessed institution.

If you or someone you know needs help preparing for marriage, strenghthening a marriage, or needs to heal after the end of a marriage, our counselors are trained and qualified to offer assistance.

Where should parents turn to seek out appropriate diagnosis, treatment, and assistance in navigating the educational system to provide the best opportunities for their children?

Often students with emotional concerns and/or attention deficit disorders come to the awareness of teachers or school administrators when behavior becomes problematic, when grades suffer, or when academic benchmarks fall behind their peers developmentally.

Students who struggle with diagnosable mental health concerns can experience significant difficulty performing to the best of their ability in a traditional classroom setting.  Accommodation is sometimes necessary to help students with extra time to complete tasks and tests, work in smaller groups, or benefit from individualized attention and learning opportunities.

Teachers and school administrators are often overburdened with large classrooms and demands on their time.  Many schools have had to cut testing psychologists or special education teachers due to budget shortfalls.  Thus, when a student is pointed out as having behavioral, emotional, or attention problems, even if testing is available within the school, the waitlist may be significant (often 6-18 months).  If you are a taxpayer and live in a school district (most of us) you have the right to educational resources even if your child attends private school.  However, due to limited resources in many school districts, your child may be at the bottom of a lengthy list of educational test-takers.  Schools are sometimes able to test children for educational diagnoses (such as learning disorders) which may qualify for an Individualized Education Plan (IEP) based on the definitions of learning disabilities set up by Individuals with Disabilities Education Act (IDEA).

An educational plan, such as a 504 plan or IEP may help your child academically, but concerned parents will also want to intervene behaviorally at home for consistency and effective life skills and organizational help.  Working with a counselor, therapist, academic coach, or private professional can provide your family with the executive functioning assistance your child may need. A family approach to helping your student, in our experience, offers the most successful systemic intervention.

Even when schools believe that ADHD or another mental health disorder is present in a student, they are legally limited in their ability to make that diagnosis.  For instance, in Oklahoma, if a school does make a mental health diagnosis, they become liable for the treatment.

Instead of going through the school district, many parents choose to seek out private educational, emotional health, and/or behavioral assessments.  At Christian Family Institute, we offer these assessments and evaluations in an individualized manner.  We take the time to get to know your family, and your child’s needs.  Our process includes taking a detailed history of the concern, customizing an evaluation process that includes psychological tests and data, gathering behavioral observations from multiple sources, and sitting down with the family to provide feedback—including developing a treatment plan that can include helping your family advocate for accommodation needs within the educational system.

Dr. Tim Doty | Twitter

www.DrTimDoty.com

I see many newly divorced or separated fathers in my office who are good dads.  They have been involved in their child’s life attending parent-teacher conferences and all of the holiday parties at the grade school.  They went because their wife had informed them of the school schedule and they made it a priority to show up.

And then they stop.  Not because they are suddenly bad fathers or they stopped caring about their children but because they lost their in-home secretary.

Newly divorce dads need to remember:

1. Your ex-wife is no longer responsible for keeping you apprised of your child’s schedule.  Neither are young children.  That’s why teachers send notes to parents.
2. Give the school office and your child’s teacher your email address and phone numbers.  Many teachers communicate by email and it is easy to add your address to their email list.
3. Many schools have implemented websites where a parent can check grades and homework assignments for each child.  Make a practice of checking in regularly.
4. Look in your student’s backpack for notes sent home by the teacher.  Don’t assume that this is your ex-wife’s job.  If your ex-wife has had the kids for a few days make a point of asking specifically about notes and communication from the school.
5. Show up at every event you can: your children need re-assurance that you and their mother divorced each other…  not that you divorced them!

Bowden McElroy

BowdenMcElroy.com

The child who incorrectly believes they will have plenty of time tomorrow before 5th hour to review their spelling words or the child who reasons that a project due on Friday doesn’t count when answering the homework question on Tuesday night doesn’t see themselves as blatantly lying to their parent.  Still others will outright lie to their parent to avoid doing homework no matter what the consequence may be.

One of the most effective strategies in preventing this form of parent-child conflict is to never ask the question!  Instead, let’s consider “homework” as really being a combination of assignments given by a teacher plus assignments given by a parent.  Your child may or may not have assignments from their teachers but should always have assignments given by their parent.  So, they always have homework.

Parent assignments may include review of previous teacher assignments, copying over notes, answering study questions or working math problems at the end of a chapter, reading a chapter of a book for a book report due next week, playing an educational game, etc.  Once the parent has determined an appropriate amount of homework, given the child’s age and ability, then the parent simply adds to the amount of teacher assignments until the total amount is reached.  Most children and teens catch on quickly that they might as well complete the teacher assignments because they will be doing homework one way or the other.

 If you are anticipating that problems are likely to emerge as the fall semester begins, we can help.  Our licensed professional staff are skilled in working with children and their families when ADD/ADHD, learning disabilities, oppositional and defiant attitudes, depression, anxiety, or other issues that interfere with academic success and joyful family life.

Dr. William Berman