That is the short answer.  A longer answer is comprised of three parts. First, I have a well defined sense of self and very firm boundaries.  In other words, I don’t take responsibility for the outcome or direction of your life.  My job is to be the best counselor I know how to be for the time you are in my office.  What happens after counseling is over is up to you. That doesn’t mean I don’t care (I do) or that I don’t worry about you as you leave my office (I try to keep that to a minimum but the reality is some of my clients are in a really tough place).  It does mean that I take responsibility for my life and I expect my clients to take responsibility for theirs.

I don’t do the same thing hour after hour, day after day.  Counseling is a process made up of different parts or phases.  Some of my day is spent doing assessments: figuring out what is really going on in order to create the most effective treatment plan.  Being a good diagnostician is like being a detective.  I question, probe, and investigate.  I analyze, summarize, and interpret.  At other times I teach skills: communication skills, problem-solving skills, parenting skills, etc.  I get to take off my detective hat and put on my educator hat.  Still other parts of my day are spent listening, empathizing, and understanding.  On occasion I confront people, at other times I explain how they are quite normal and anyone would react/think/feel as they are.  Counseling is much more than just sitting in a chair murmuring “And how do you feel about that?”.  I actually enjoy those difficult situations that require me to call upon all of my training and experience; even if the client never realizes just how much work that is.

Finally, I do what I do all day long because I take pride in my work.  I make a difference in people’s lives… and that’s more than a lot of people can say.

G. Bowden McElroy, M.Ed.

Licensed Professional Counselor

Forgiveness means: After determining that an offense has occurred, you willfully abandon (through considerable determination and deliberate work) the emotional and physical reactions (anger, resentment, revenge, etc.) that you may hold toward the offense and the offender.

Again, this is a very short, simple working definition of forgiveness. More exploration on your part may be necessary to fully grasp the full meaning of forgiveness. Because I have encountered much anger and scoff from individuals after suggesting the idea of forgiveness of past hurts as part of their recovery, I find it necessary to point out a few things that forgiveness is NOT. I will not fully explain each point here, but again, you can explore these ideas further if you wish.

            Forgiveness is NOT:

            – Excusing the offender for the offense

            – Tolerating the offense or the offender

            – Pardoning the offender or giving the offender a “pass” for his/her behavior

            -  Condoning the offensive behavior

            – Reconciliation of the relationship with the offender

            – Forgetting the offense

So, now that we briefly see what forgiveness is and is not, I want to try to answer the question: “Who does unforgiveness hurt?”

An easy answer to this question is that unforgiveness hurts everyone. That answer would take much too much time to explain. So for the sake of space I will discuss who is most impacted by unforgiveness. The person most affected by unforgiveness is the offended person who is harboring the unforgiveness. One of my favorite quotes on forgiveness is “Holding onto unforgiveness is like swallowing poison in order to punish your enemy.” It has been speculated that as much as 70% of adult inpatient mental health hospital admissions can be attributed to guilt (unforgiveness of self) and resentment (unforgiveness of someone else). Now, I do not know if that number would hold up under strict scientific scrutiny, but professionals do know that unforgiveness does lead to significant levels of depression, anxiety and anger as well as many serious physical health concerns.

If you look at the symptoms of unforgiveness: Depression, Anxiety and Anger just to name a few, these are not symptoms experienced by the person who is not being forgiven. These are symptoms experienced by the person who has been offended and is not forgiving. Many people say, “This is not fair. I was victimized and now I have to forgive the person who did this to me?” My answer is “No, you do not have to forgive anyone.” However, I encourage you to consider two things. First, if you do not forgive it is like re-experiencing the offense over and over again as long as you have the mind to remember. You will feel the same helplessness, loss of control, anger and anxiety that you did when the offense first occurred. I would venture to say no one likes that idea.

The second thing to consider, for Christians and those who consider themselves believers is this: In Matthew 6:15 Jesus tells us, “But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.” That is a pretty powerful statement. Whenever we find ourselves living contrary to the boundaries set for us in scripture, there are going to be consequences. In this case, we see the symptoms of unforgiveness. However, scripture never tells us to do something that is impossible. In fact we are always given guidance on how to achieve the precepts set for us.

When considering overcoming the anger, anxiety, depression and other symptoms of unforgiveness it is vitally important to remember the list of things that forgiveness is NOT which I listed above. I want to be very clear. If you are experiencing an offense that is ongoing such as abuse, infidelity or some other harmful activity, I believe you cannot forgive that person until that behavior has ceased.  For example, if you are in relationship with an abusive partner who asks for forgiveness after every abusive episode and you say you “forgive” and return over and over to the same abusive pattern, then you are not actually forgiving, but rather tolerating or condoning the abusive behavior. Only after the offense has stopped and you have completely separated from the negative pattern can you begin the process of forgiving. This is an entire other subject that needs to be explored that requires much more than one article, but it is very important.

Forgiveness is a process. It is not a one-time event accomplished with a statement. It is at times a difficult process that requires mental, emotional and at times physical work. Because of this we are motivated to forgive not because of the effects is will have on the person we are forgiving, but for the rewards that await us when we truly forgive. When you truly forgive, you experience freedom. Freedom from the emotional ties to past events. Freedom from daily anxiety that you may not have known was attached to past offenses. You will experience control over your own life rather than continuing to see yourself and responding to the world as a victim. You will begin to respond to your current relationships in real time rather than responding through a filter based on past hurtful experiences.

To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you. –Lewis Smedes (Author)

Forgiveness is an act of the will, and the will can function regardless of the temperature of the heart. –Corie ten Boom (Holocaust survivor)

You will know that forgiveness has begun when you recall those who hurt you and feel the power to wish them well –Lewis Smedes

Chris Giles, M.S.

With something as serious as infidelity, your spouse may fear the demise of your marriage and fool themselves into thinking that if they don’t admit wrong doing, then the incident didn’t really happen.  As fallible humans we are masters of denial. Understanding why your spouse won’t admit their mistake is important. Do they disagree that their actions were wrong or are they ashamed and using their denial as a defense mechanism?

If your spouse has a pattern of dishonesty and is unwilling to seek forgiveness, there is probably a deeper issue present that needs to be addressed through professional counseling.

The dilemma for the wronged spouse is, do you forgive them even if they don’t seek your forgiveness?  For your spiritual and emotional health, is it best to choose to forgive them? Feeling forgiveness and choosing it are different. We often don’t feel like we want to forgive someone, but we can choose to forgive them. When we consider the grace and mercy of God toward us, it empowers us to extend that same forgiveness to others. Communicating your forgiveness toward your spouse can help them understand how their actions have affected you and encourage them to seek forgiveness.

Infidelity is a complex issue and the forgiveness of such offense is also complex.  Christian Family Institute has developed and refined a methodology for helping couples through infidelity.  Call us to set up a time to meet with one of our trained and licensed therapists.

Krista Caveny, M.A.

As you have all seen from the pictures, videos, news reports, etc., the devastation is immense and fierce…but so is the spirit to rebuild.  I had two different assignments while on the scene.  The first was to accompany an Emergency Response Vehicle (ERV)into the field to give out hot meals and cold water to people who haven’t had power or access for days.  I was assigned to a team of two nurses and two disaster mental health volunteers to help triage wounds, both emotional and physical. We talked to people who had lost everything…in fact some people had lost everything more than once.  They also survived the May 3, 1999 tornado.

In Disaster Mental Health, our role is to encourage, support, promote healthy coping strategies and to help identify those who need help immediately (like psychosis or suicidal/homicidal). There has been media coverage about who was let into the disaster areas and who was not (as in some residents) during the search and rescue and search and recovery phases of the disaster response.  Red Cross was given access on Wednesday, so we were among the first to be delivering food and water since Monday.  People were gracious.  They have been through incredible events.

Yesterday (Thursday) I had the honor of assisting with the reunion of the Briarwood elementary school that took place at Bonds elementary in Moore, just down the road from the destroyed Briarwood.  Again, as a Disaster Mental Health volunteer for the Red Cross, 8 psychologists were sent (4 each) to Briarwood and Plaza Towers reunions. It was a touching and powerful event.  Students and teachers reconnected.  Parents and family members were able to hug one another and actually close out their school year, which they were otherwise unable to do since the school was destroyed Monday. Some of the students were telling one another “I saw you on TV, so I knew you were ok.”  In fact, one father did not know that his son was alright until he viewed his son on TV as well.

The work through the Red Cross is emotionally challenging, but very rewarding when you can help encourage healthy coping strategies and help families predict the kinds of emotions and responses they are likely to encounter in the days and weeks ahead.

Our prayers continue to be with the survivors as they rebuild.

Tim Doty, Psy.D.

twitter: @DrTimDoty

As you draw nearer in relationship to your spouse, you will experience great joy in intimacy.  But you also become more vulnerable and more open to being wounded.  No human relationship is perfect.  Whether intentional or unintentional, we all have the propensity to cause harm to one another.   Ecclesiastes 7:20 (MSG) tells us “there’s not one totally good person on earth, not one who is truly pure and sinless”.  There will be times in your marriage when you are the offend-ed and there will be times when you are the offend-er.  There will be times when you need to seek forgiveness and times when you need to grant forgiveness.  When an offense takes place in marriage, the offense damages the intimacy of the relationship and the offended often reacts with feelings of hurt, sadness, anger and distrust.  These emotional reactions are normal.  But you always have a choice about how you’ll respond.  The acts of seeking and granting forgiveness provide opportunities to become truly authentic, to practice grace, to reconcile and to deepen the intimacy of your relationship.

When you are the offender, SEEKING FORGIVENESS involves:

• Acknowledging to your spouse what your specific offense was
• Admitting to your spouse that the offense was hurtful and damaging to the relationship
• Attempting to understand the pain that you’ve caused your spouse
• Taking responsibility for the offense and offering to make amends, if possible
• Vowing to your spouse that you will not repeat the offense
• Apologizing to your spouse and asking for forgiveness
• Forgiving yourself and creating a plan for avoiding future offense

When you have been offended by your spouse, offering forgiveness provides an opportunity to heal your own hurt and, often, to mend the broken relationship.

Did you know that you can choose to forgive your spouse even when he or she has not admitted fault and sought your forgiveness?  Of course, ideally, we would all love for our spouses to admit they were wrong and beg us for forgiveness. But even if you never see repentance or sorrow from your spouse, you have a choice to make – To Forgive or Not To Forgive.

Unforgiveness, or refusal to offer forgiveness, creates:

• bitterness
• resentment
• distancing or pushing away from the offender
• a power struggle because it puts you in a position of being superior to your spouse and presumes that your spouse owes you something
• warfare when you use the offense as a weapon to continually jab at or shame your spouse
• a judgmental attitude because you presume that you can determine whether your spouse feels guilty enough or has compensated enough to be “let off the hook”

In ALL cases, unforgiveness is a destroyer of intimacy.  Unforgiveness causes marital partners to be adversaries, at a face-off against one another.  Unforgiveness breeds criticism and contempt which ultimately will erode all closeness in a relationship.  And unforgiveness damages the life of the one who harbors it.

Forgiveness is a process that takes time and energy.  Forgiveness is not easy but it is highly rewarding.  Please know that forgiveness does NOT mean that you are excusing the offense, condoning the offense OR forgetting the offense.  Forgiveness is choosing to surrender the “right” to punish or think negatively about the offender so that you can be free from anger and resentment.

GRANTING FORGIVENESS includes:

• Taking stock of the specific offenses that have occurred
• Acknowledging the emotions that you experience as a result of the offense
• Admitting to yourself and your spouse that you feel hurt and disrespected
• Stating your specific expectations for the future
• Giving up your right to punish or retaliate against your spouse
• Choosing to discontinue bitter, resentful or critical thoughts and actions toward your spouse
• Communicating your forgiveness to your spouse
• Working collaboratively with your spouse toward reconciliation and intimacy (when reconciliation is safe)

There are times when reconciliation is not safe.  In those cases, stating your expectations for the future may mean creating boundaries in the relationship or even ending a relationship completely.  But even in those cases where reconciliation is not safe, you would be wise to work through the process of forgiveness independently in order to free yourself from the bitterness, anger and resentment.

Forgiveness is important in all relationships but especially in the marital relationship.  If you find that you are critical or harboring resentment toward your spouse, consider whether there might be some offenses that you need to forgive.  The counselors at Christian Family Institute can be excellent guides on your journey of forgiveness.

“To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prison was you.”  Lewis Smedes

 Jennifer Giles, M.S.

In light of the tragedy at the #bostonmarathon today, please be cautious how much of the news you take in around your children. We advise that children who are not of age to understand violence and tragedy (and really, who among us does understand it), can be insulated from the news as long as parents and caretakers shield them from the information. Obviously, at the speed of communication, many of our teens, pre-teens, and adult family members will have seen/heard about the violence and we should take care to console one another in the face of tragic events. For younger kids, there is no need to watch/listen to reports of violence in front of them. If they hear about the tragedy, take time to explain with child-appropriate wording. We will post resources ASAP.

Here are the resources we linked to on Facebook:

• This is a nice guide put together by the Sesame Street Workshop: http://www.sesameworkshop.org/assets/1192/src/HereForEachOther_vEng2012Modified.pdf
• This is a great post from PBS Parents about listening and responding to your #kids about what they know about world events and news (in light of #bostonmarathon). (#parenting): http://www.pbs.org/parents/talkingwithkids/news/talking.html
• This resource from #APA was created in response to school shootings, but still applies for talking to kids about #bostonmarathon: http://www.apa.org/helpcenter/recovering-disasters.aspx
• This is a resource from #APA about managing traumatic stress after a tragic event: http://www.apa.org/helpcenter/recovering-disasters.aspx

If you, a family member, a loved one, or a child are experiencing difficulty in response to tragedy in the news, we have staff available to help you manage traumatic stress reactions.  Give CFI a call to set up a time to meet with one of our professional therapists. 

BE VERY SLOW TO EXPRESS ANY DISAPPROVAL YOU MIGHT FEEL.  The key here is that this is an ADULT child, now capable of making independent decisions.  If they already have their mind made up, expressing disapproval make only serve to damage the relationship you have with your adult child.  Mistakes made at this phase of life can effect future relationships for the rest of your life.

Any negative opinions you might express toward your adult child’s chosen spouse will likely get back to them.  Your disapproval may offend, damage trust, and cause your child’s future spouse to pull away.  If your adult child goes ahead and marries this person, they may never like or trust you, or allow you into their life.

Consider the gift of pre-marital counseling to your adult children considering marriage.  A comprehensive assessment of the strengths and weaknesses of a planned marriage, offered by a trained and objective professional, may carry more weight than your own opinion.  Further, this gives your adult children the counseling or therapy they may need to get their relationship on firm ground.

Dale Doty, M.S.W., Ph.D.

“Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”   -Ephesians 4:32 (NIV)

Scripture has much to say on forgiveness, and there have been many books written on the subject.  In doing research for this article, I have read scripture plus three of those many books and thought a great deal about my own experiences and those of the people I counsel.   I have concluded that forgiveness, in and of itself, is a simple thing.  The problem is that it must, by nature of the actions that need forgiving, be attempted and accomplished in a sea of emotions.  Being able to navigate that sea requires a good understanding of the nature of our hurts and what forgiveness really is.

Forgiveness is the best medicine for most of the hurts we experience in life, but is frequently harder to accomplish than living with the pain. Why?  I would suggest that we have an inadequate understanding of forgiveness. Our faulty understanding may come from a belief in often-stated myths about what forgiveness is.  In this article, I will explore three of the more common of those myths:

• You must forgive and forget.
• If you forgive, you must reconcile with the offender.
• Forgiveness means letting the offender off the hook.

Forgive and Forget

I had a professor who told us that forgiveness was divine and that forgetting was senility.  Yet, I have heard many people claim that if you couldn’t forget you had not forgiven.

Forgiving and forgetting are two entirely different things.  The Greek word for forgive has to do with sending away or letting go of something.  It is a deliberate action–an act of will.   I believe that is what is referred to in Psalm 103:12 (As far as the east is from the west, so far has He removed our transgressions from us.) and Jeremiah 31:34 (Their sin I will remember no more.).

Those passages do not mean that God has forgotten our sin, but that He no longer remembers it against us.  Jesus’ death makes that possible by actually bearing our sin and thus taking it away from us. God is omniscient–He cannot forget.  Our brains are designed to remember.  Memory is essential to our lives and our brain’s mission of caring for us.  Without memory of past hurts and experiences, we are susceptible to being hurt over and over–we wouldn’t know whom to trust.  So, memories remain, but forgiveness takes away their power to hurt us.

Forgiveness Equals Fellowship

Many people struggle with forgiving because they believe they must resume fellowship with the offender.  Matthew 5:23-24 (Therefore if you are presenting your offering at the altar, and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your offering there before the altar and go; first be reconciled to your brother, and then come and present your offering.) makes it clear that reconciliation is the desired outcome.

Although reconciliation is the ideal, it is not always possible.  Hamilton Beazley in his book, No Regrets, says that reconciliation can be a part of forgiveness, but is not required.  There are times when it is necessary, for our own healing and freedom, to forgive someone with whom it is impossible to reconcile with due to physical circumstances such as death or incarceration.

Fellowship requires reconciliation.  Sometimes we need to forgive someone with whom it is not safe or in our best interests to fellowship with. The apostle John, in his first epistle, teaches us that fellowship with God and with others is based in the light, which refers to truth and reality  (1 John 1:5-8).  Those who continue in lies and denial are walking in darkness and cannot fellowship with those in the light (2 Corinthians 6:14).   When an offender refuses to acknowledge his sin, he is left in darkness.  We are not to reconcile with darkness–it is not safe to do so.

Fellowship also requires trust.  When someone lies to me or otherwise abuses me, he is not trustworthy.  Without evidence of true sorrow and repentance, we are wise to withhold trust.   If someone has stolen from me, I don’t leave him alone in my house.  I do not have to be a doormat.  Forgiveness is not a signal that I’m willing to put up with abuse.

Forgiveness is for us and is necessary for our healing.  It frees us from the power of those who have offended us.  Fellowship is reserved for those with whom we can walk in truth and light–those we can trust.

Forgiveness Let’s The Offender Off The Hook

In fact, the opposite is the truth.  We cannot forgive someone without being able to place blame on them.  It might be easier to just find some reason to excuse them, but we can’t forgive those we excuse.  There is no healing for us when we, through making excuses, invalidate our own hurt and pain. To forgive, we must acknowledge that hurt and pain, and place the blame squarely where it belongs.  We must hold the offender accountable for their actions in order to truly forgive them.

When we forgive, we let go of malice and vengeance toward the other person.  We let go of our obsession with thoughts of their offense and making them pay.  We do not excuse their action or release them from justice or the consequences of that action.

In order to truly forgive, we must understand that forgiveness is for us.  When we don’t forgive, we are imprisoned by our own feelings.  We will remain stuck in the past and become bitter in the future.  Forgiveness allows us to live in the here and now with a heart full of joy and hope for the future.  We can truly walk in the light.

“When we forgive, we take God’s hand, walk through the door, and stroll into the possibilities that wait for us to make them reality.”  Lewis Smedes

For Further Reading:

• The Art of Forgiving by Lewis Smedes
• Forgive and Forget by Lewis Smedes
• I Should Forgive, But… by Chuck Lynch

Salley Sutmiller, M.S.

Level I

The purpose of this class is to develop an understanding of the Biblical basis of Christian counseling, and to understand the skills and processes involved in counseling. Further, participants will practice the safe use of these skills in small groups, receiving feedback from fellow participants and instructors.

Class Dates: Mondays in April, Starting April 8th
5 Weeks – April 8th, 15th, 22nd, 29th, and May 6th, 2013

Class Times: 7:00 p.m. to 8:45

Cost: $45.00 plus book, $12.00 = Total of $57.00

Location: Rejoice Christian High School, 12200 E. 86th Street North, Owasso, OK

Taught by: The Clinical Staff of Christian Family Institute

Dale R. Doty, M.S.W., Ph.D.
William B. Berman, Ph.D.
G. Bowden McElroy, M.Ed.
Eric L. Clements, M.S.
Salley Sutmiller, M.S.
Lois Trost, M.S.W.
Timothy Doty, Psy.D.
Krista Caveny, M.A.
Amanda Harrington, Ph.D.
Jennifer Giles, M.S.
Chris Giles, M.S.
Joe James, Psy.D.

Register Here

Sponsored by:

Christian Family Institute
6846 S. Yale, Suite 501
Tulsa, OK 74136
918-745-0095

Rejoice Christian School
12200 E. 86th Street North
Owasso, OK 74055
918-516-0050

• First, consider whether the therapist has training/experience in couple’s therapy.  Not all therapists are equipped to work with marriages.  Related to this, you want to make sure the therapist values marriage and will validate your efforts to work things out and make it the marriage you both desire.
• Second, it is important to find a therapist that is the right fit.  A therapist that was wonderful for your friend may not be the right therapist for you and your partner.  Research indicates that the fit of the therapist is a major factor in the success of therapy.  Things to consider are the gender of the therapist, other areas of expertise that may be needed (parenting, step-parenting, miscarriage, grief, previous divorce, depression, etc.), style of therapy, and availability.
•  Third, each partner has to agree to put it all on the table.  Therapy doesn’t work if there are secrets, or if one spouse is not committed to the process of therapy.  This may seem scary for some, but a therapist cannot help the unknown.
• Fourth, the couple has to commit to finding time for each other.  Marriages are not saved or made better by only talking about them an hour a week with a therapist.  It takes time and effort.  Spending time focused on the relationship also gives the couple more specific things to address with the therapist each week (for example, attempts at talking about a problem).
• Finally, consider the idea of giving your spouse the benefit of the doubt.  Often, especially when we are frustrated with someone, we look for ways they fall short.  However, when we focus on believing the best, people often rise to the occasion.

Marriage counseling can be life changing and can help you build the relationship you have always wanted.  Why not start now?

Amanda Harrington, Ph.D.