What Every Youth Minister Needs to Know About Handling Mental Health Crises from Dr. Timothy Doty on Vimeo.

Dr. Dale Doty discusses the benefits of PREPARE/ENRICH training for pastors, clergy, ministers, counselors, and marriage coaches who would like certification in a very useful tool.

Check back for more videos coming soon!

The loss of passion and romance is such a common phenomenon that song writers have capitalized upon it as a theme that is highly marketable. Consider the list of contemporary songs below as a sample.  See if you can think of others.  Just remember that normal doesn’t necessarily mean healthy.  Marital therapy is designed to assist couples in recovering those lost feelings and preventing them from slipping away again.

“You’ve Lost That Loving Feeling”
-The Righteous Brothers

“You Don’t Send Me Flowers Anymore”
-Neil Diamond & Barbara Streisand

“The Thrill Is Gone”
-B.B. King

“Where Has Our Love Gone?”
-The Supremes

“Total Eclipse Of The Heart”
-Bonnie Tyler

“Home Ain’t Where His Heart Is Anymore”
-Shania Twain

“I Don’t Care Anymore”
-Phil Collins/Genesis

“Now That The Magic Has Gone”
-Joe Cocker

“How Do You Like Me Now?”
-Tobi Keith

“Where Is The Love”
-Black Eyed Pea

William B. Berman, Ph.D.

1. Sensitivity.  Be sensitive to the fact that the primary relationship of your child is now with their spouse.  Their commitment to God comes first; then the bond to their spouse, and then to you as parents.   Good news!  You now have time and  opportunity to focus on your own marriage and make changes that will enhance it.  Talking with your spouse about your feelings brings sensitivity into your own marriage and allows connection to take place.  Build on that connection by having fun together or learning something new.  My husband and I took up bicycling when our last daughter married.  It gave us time together, topic for conversation, and something to look forward to on the weekends.
2. Flexibility.  Be flexible when sharing the couple’s time with the other in-laws.   Try to understand that when your child marries, their family circle expands and relationships become more complicated;  they are having to share the same amount of free time among a greater number of family members.  It gets even more complicated when there are step-families within the circle.  Don’t add to the couple’s stress by playing the Guilt Card because your time with them is limited.  An understanding spirit will be appreciated….guaranteed.
3. Privacy.  Allow me to be blunt:  Don’t meddle in their business, don’t visit too often, and don’t overstay your welcome.   In other words, be the in-law you desire to have.  Your behavior will enhance your relationship with both your child and their spouse.
4. Let Go.  This process should have begun in the teenage years, teaching them responsibility and independence.  Enabling your child to become an adult of marriageable quality helps you both feel secure when the time actually arrives for marriage.  It then includes reducing your responsibility as parents and extending the couple’s responsibility of making choices for themselves and living with their consequences.  Respect them as adults, and remember that no matter how wise you are or how valuable your advice might be, until it is ready to be received, it’s worthless!

My intention is not to offend but to bring awareness to the role of in-law.  In 1961, Ernie K-Doe’s song, “Mother-in-law”, was a big hit (I thought it pretty funny back then).  It painted a picture of a woman giving unsolicited advice, asking how much the husband made, and stating “if she’d leave us alone, we’d have a happy home”……OUCH!  Forty years later and in the mother-in-law role, I still ap
preciate this song but for its instructional message instead of its humor……I can leave the newlyweds alone and bike ride with my husband at the same time!

Lois Trost, M.S.W

What follows is the first installment of a three-part series emphasizing three broad areas:  Faith, Fellowship, and Fun.  Each contributes much to everyday marriage and perpetuates the bond you began to build during that wonderful honeymoon.

As a Christian, I believe that everything rests on faith, so let’s start with that.  My faith is in God, the creator of all things and in Jesus, the “author and perfecter of faith” (Hebrews 11:3 and 12:2).  This faith informs the way I live my life as an individual and as a partner in marriage.

How does this work?  The best thing I do for my marital satisfaction is to nurture my faith by being in close relationship with God, the creator of marriage.  The more closely I follow Him, through individual Bible study and prayer time, the more I feel loved by Him and am able to extend that love and grace to others—especially my spouse.

I learn that God is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness, maintaining love to thousands, and forgiving wickedness rebellion and sin (Exodus 34:6-7); so, I extend compassion and grace, I make effort to be slow to anger, to abound in love, and forgive the sins against me (Matthew 6:12, 14-15).

I learn that Jesus is at God’s right hand making intercessions for me (Romans 8:34); therefore, when I think my spouse is off base, I am before God interceding for him.

I learn that I’m to be thankful in all things (1 Thessalonians 5:18); so, I thank God for my spouse even when I’m not happy with him.  It keeps the balance.

I learn that love, as described in the Bible (1 Corinthians 13:4-8), is about what I do, not how I feel; therefore, I concentrate on showing love, rather than feeling love.

As you cultivate your faith as an individual, there are also things to do, as a couple, which will cultivate closeness between you.   These are just suggestions, feel free to add to the list.  As you grow individually, share that with each other.  Find a church body you both feel comfortable with–worship together and serve.  Share with each other the joys and difficulties of service.  Go on a mission trip together.  Join a small group with like values where you will be loved and supported as a couple.  Spend some time studying and praying together.

I want to end by saying that our faith is to strengthen and encourage us, not to be used as a weapon of warfare against each other.  So, be diligent to cultivate your faith as an individual and as a couple.  The benefits are great.

Salley Sutmiller, M.S., LMFT

www.salleysutmiller.com

I love vacations. I have been accused, and I can’t disagree, of having a Vacation Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. I particularly enjoy family vacations to anything Disney, and trips with my wife to go diving. Why is this? I think a good part of the reason has to do with the opportunity to have fun with my wife and/or my boys. The fun with them, is ten times greater than without them.

Eric Clements, M.S.

EricClements.com

The Story of Christian Family Institute (CFI)

The classification of personality disorders is often misunderstood.  We have all come in contact with people who have such disorders, whether we have recognized them or not.  The people with these conditions can be some of the most difficult people we will ever encounter.  Some of these people seem strange, others can be very hurtful toward others, and even others are dangerous.   It helps to recognize these conditions.

Diagnosis is the science of describing and classifying re-occurring patterns and disorders which have common characteristics and have predictable futures.  The category of disorders called personality disorder have several characteristics in common.  All ten of these separate disorders include behaviors  that significantly interfere with a persons’ ability to function in relationship with others and in every area of their life.  These disorders tend to be lifelong and the symptoms may become evident by adolescence or early adulthood.

People with personality disorders are often at odds with others’ expectations.  They think, feel, and act  in very different ways than others around them.  People with these conditions often have difficulty at work, school, and in interpersonal relationships.  It is difficult for a person with these issues to adapt or change in order to meet other’s expectations.

You have probably heard terms like borderline, antisocial, narcissistic, dependent, and paranoid.  These terms are sometimes used to describe a group of behaviors, or they may describe a fixed set of “enduring” symptoms we call a “personality disorder.”  Though making such a diagnosis should be left to professionals, recognizing possible warning signs may help.

There are many theories about why people end up with a personality disorder.  Some children who experienced severe and re-occurring trauma or abuse develop personality disorders.  Other children who had normal childhoods become increasingly out of sync with society over time.  Some speculate that brain abnormalities, chemical imbalances, and genetic conditions may also play a role.

I will briefly describe a few of the most common personality disorders that may be encountered.  Remember these are brief descriptions and volumes are written about each of these disorders.  Only highly trained professionals can make a definitive diagnosis:

-        Borderline Personality Disorder  – characterized by intense relationships with a high level of volatility.  A person with this disorder can be quite charming, become highly dependent, and go into angry rages when their needs are not met.

-        Paranoid Personality Disorder – characterized by suspiciousness, fearfulness, mistrust, and an inability to forgive even simple disappointments.  A person with this condition often reads sinister motivations into the actions of others.

-        Antisocial Personality Disorder – characterized by repeated violations of the law or established rules of right and wrong.  People with this disorder are often dishonest, impulsive, aggressive, and insensitive.

-        Narcissistic Personality Disorder – characterized by an exaggerated sense of self importance, beauty, or accomplishment.  People with this disorder expect to be admired, constantly appreciated and treated as special.  They can also be envious of others, take advantage of others, and is often insensitive toward the feelings of others.

-        Histrionic Personality Disorder – characterized by a flare for the dramatic, constant attention seeking, dressing in attention seeking ways, acting out in sexually provocative ways, and often responds with insincerity and superficiality toward others.

-        Dependent Personality Disorder – characterized by a persistent expectation that others must take care of them and help them in unrealistic ways.  People with this condition are often indecisive, helpless, clingy, and fearful of abandonment.

-        Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder – characterized by preoccupation with order, perfectionism, details, lists, and rigid expectations.  Persons with this condition may also hoard and collect to great excess.

When we build relationships with others, we generally tend to expect that others will operate by socially acceptable rules.  We often do not recognize  that we encountered people with  personality disorder until we have been repeatedly surprised and disappointed by the behavior of others who do not know or feel any responsibility to conform to socially acceptable norms.  Some people with personality disorders will claim that the fault is yours for not accepting them as they are.  We often stop and pause to reflect on what is happening in these relationships.  Usually it doesn’t dawn on us initially that we are dealing with people with mental illness.  Once we recognize what we are dealing with, we can adjust our expectations, and take appropriate action to set limits and confront inappropriate behavior, or refer others to appropriate mental health counseling.

Dale R. Doty, Ph.D.

When someone you love harms themselves through cutting, burning and other ways, it is difficult to understand why that person would do something that seems so extreme and painful. It is important to realize that even if you do not understand it, self-harm is an outlet for some to cope with intense emotional issues.

The way in which you react can have an enormous impact on your loved one. Here are a few suggestions:

1)     Do not overreact. Be calm and understanding.

2)     Do not judge her or make her feel stupid. Be compassionate.

3)     Listen to the feelings and the struggle, but do not problem solve.

4)     Do not expect him to stop immediately. He needs to develop other means of coping and this may take time.

5)     Help her find a professional to talk to. A trained therapist can help your loved one develop alternative coping skills and sort through issues with which she struggles.

Self injury is a growing method of coping with emotional pain in our society. As a friend or family member your response to and understanding of this growing problem is vital. This is an opportunity to show love and compassion to someone who may desperately need it.

Jill Butler, MS, LMFT

www.jillbutlertherapy.com

Hope is the confidence that something better is to come.  Whether it is a hope that grief will pass, that we can turn a struggling marriage around or that survival will actually occur, hope helps us persevere.

A lack of Hope steals our motivation.  It wrecks our energy and it halts any progress.  Without hope, we have no reason to do anything.  This is why it can be one of the most devastating symptoms of depression.  Hopelessness is the lie that tells us “things cannot improve, in fact they are likely to get worse.”  We can take harbor in the fact that it is just that, a lie.

We serve a God of hope.  Look at 1 Corinthians 13:13  “And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.”  I must admit as I have contemplated faith, hope and love, it has been common to highlight faith and love and overlook hope. That’s like trying to construct a two sided triangle.  Faith is dependent on hope.  Hebrews 11:1 “Now faith is being sure of what we hope for…”  If we have no hope, then we have no reason to love.  Without hope, following the Christian faith offers us very little.  With hope, our faith offers us and the world everything, including an eternity with the absolute source of love.

Just as the eternal optimist needs to be reminded that it isn’t always going to be pure bliss, the person caught in the grips of crisis and grief needs hope to remind him that this season will also pass.  Better times are to come.

We can glean hope from a variety of places.

Sometimes, it really is true that things will soon become better. In the research world we speak of “regression to the mean.”  It’s a fancy way of saying that when a circumstance varies from the norm, in all likelihood it will gravitate back towards a more normal position.  So, if someone is very depressed, even without treatment the next time you evaluate their level of distress there is a likelihood that there will be some improvement.  Maybe not as much as is desired, but some inching back towards normal.

Some people find hope in the simple presence of others.  Knowing that others genuinely care, can go a long way.  A little bit of comfort, which provides us with even the smallest amount of relief points us to the fact that greater relief and even joy is going to come.

At times, simply looking at the facts and helping someone to be more rational can prove hopeful.  The more extreme the emotion, the more difficult it is to see a situation accurately.  Emotions tend to exaggerate our extreme thinking, even to the point of causing us to think there is no hope.  Often, simply escaping the extreme emotions and checking into a more rational state will help us to see that there really is hope.

As a Christian the greatest source of hope likely comes through our faith.  This hope focuses us on God: On what he has done for us;  On the value of Christ’s teaching; On His resurrection and the faith that we will someday be likewise resurrected;  On eternity with Him, experiencing true joy rooted in His love.  This hope focuses us on today, on his presence in the Holy Spirit, on the idea that He is in control and that we don’t have to be.  It guides us to look to those thing that lift Him up and reminds us that we will be right there with him.  We have so much in which to look forward and that is the essence of Hope.

It is when things look dimmest that Hope has the greatest power.  It helps us to see that troubles are temporary.  That, joy comes tomorrow, along with Hope, allows us to imbibe in some of that future joy today.

- Eric Clements, M.S., LPC, LMFT

www.ericclements.com